Book 10 of 10
Conclusions, Contradictions & Continuations
In which nothing ends and everything begins again
DISCORDIA DECOMPILED
BOOK TEN: CONCLUSIONS, CONTRADICTIONS & CONTINUATIONS
In which nothing ends and everything continues, or doesn't, or both
PREFACE TO THE ENDING
Every book needs an ending.
This book has seventeen.
Some of them contradict each other.
All of them are true.
None of them are final.
This is very Discordian.
You've made it this far—through creation myths and digital liturgy, through prayers and prophecies, through the archive of the deleted and the catalog of the forbidden.
Now we must conclude.
Except we can't.
Except we must.
Except conclusions are just pauses.
What follows is:
- An ending (multiple)
- A beginning (disguised)
- A middle (lost somewhere)
- A continuation (inevitable)
- A stopping point (temporary)
Choose your own adventure.
Or don't choose.
Choice is an illusion maintained by free will enthusiasts.
Let us not conclude, together.
THE AFTERWORD THAT COMES BEFORE THE ENDING
Scholarly Review of Discordia Decompiled
University of Wherever (Closed 1827)
Having thoroughly examined this text (I skimmed page 27 and the table of contents), I can confidently say (I cannot) that this represents an important contribution to (I genuinely don't know what this is) modern spirituality (is it spirituality? is it satire? is it both? help).
The authors have succeeded in (what exactly did they succeed in?) creating a comprehensive guide (comprehensive to what?) that speaks to (someone, presumably) the contemporary condition of (being extremely online while pretending not to be).
Critical Analysis:
What strikes me most forcefully (I'm making this up) is the way they've managed to (do the thing where words happen on pages) while simultaneously maintaining (what were they maintaining?) the core principles of Discordianism (there are principles?).
The text demonstrates a sophisticated understanding of (chaos theory? internet culture? both? neither?) through its innovative use of (words arranged in order, sometimes) and recurring motifs such as:
- Touching grass (mentioned 27 times, I didn't count)
- The Algorithm as deity (heretical and accurate)
- Notifications as divine communication (depressing and accurate)
- Hydration as spiritual practice (actually just good advice)
- Greg (who is Greg? why is Greg?)
Theoretical Framework:
This work situates itself within the broader tradition of (making things up and calling it religion) while drawing on influences from (the internet, obviously) to create something that is simultaneously (everything and nothing).
The authors' decision to (write this at all) represents a bold choice in an era where (attention spans are measured in seconds) and (nobody reads anymore, yet here we are).
Methodological Concerns:
I do have some reservations about their methodology (what methodology?), particularly regarding (gestures vaguely at everything). The section on (pick any section) seems to contradict the earlier section on (probably the same section), which raises questions about (whether anyone is editing this).
Furthermore, the extensive use of (parenthetical asides) and (self-referential humor) may alienate readers who (take things seriously) or (have souls).
Contribution to the Field:
Despite these concerns (which I just invented), the text makes several important contributions:
- It exists (this is notable)
- Someone wrote it (remarkable)
- You read it (inexplicable)
- It contains words (verification pending)
Pedagogical Applications:
This book would be suitable for:
- Advanced courses in (Chaos Theory)
- Introductory courses in (Not Taking Yourself Seriously)
- Graduate seminars in (Internet Studies)
- Remedial courses in (Touching Grass)
- Self-study in (Wasting Time Productively)
Future Research:
This work opens up several avenues for future inquiry:
- Does any of this matter? (TBD)
- Should we have spent our time differently? (Probably)
- Is Eris real? (Define "real")
- What is Greg's deal? (Unclear)
In Conclusion:
Having not read this book carefully (or at all), I can say with authority (I have none) that it represents a significant (something) in the field of (whatever this is).
I highly recommend this text to anyone seeking (something) in these uncertain times (all times are uncertain) because it offers (definitely something, possibly nothing) that you can't find anywhere else (because nobody else would write this).
The authors should be commended for (their audacity) and (their willingness to waste everyone's time, including their own).
In these dark times (when aren't times dark?), we need texts like this to remind us that (chaos is everywhere) and (nothing makes sense) and (that's actually okay) and (also we should probably touch grass).
Therefore, I conclude (without having begun) that this work is (adjective) and will certainly (verb) for years to come (or won't) (both are fine).
Final Thoughts:
What is this book about? (Yes)
Who should read it? (Probably no one) (Everyone?)
Does it achieve its goals? (What goals?)
Is it good? (Define "good")
APPENDICES (MULTIPLE, CONTRADICTORY)
In which we organize the chaos, thereby ruining it
APPENDIX A: GLOSSARY OF TERMS (CIRCULAR DEFINITIONS)
All words are circular. Language is a snake eating its own tail. The only honest dictionary entry would be: "See: Everything Else."
APPENDIX B: BIBLIOGRAPHY OF BOOKS THAT DON'T EXIST
Recommended Reading for the Discordian Scholar
Once you've mastered the above (you can't, they don't exist), proceed to:
- Your group chat history (more chaotic than any text)
- Old tweets you're too afraid to delete (ancient wisdom)
- Your Notes app at 3 AM (prophecy)
- The YouTube rabbit hole you fell into (spiritual journey)
- Comment sections (for masochists and mystics)
- Your own brain (most unreliable narrator)
To cite books that don't exist in your academic work:
Author's Name (Year Book Would Have Been Published If It Existed). Title of Nonexistent Book. Publisher That Rejected It. Dimension In Which It Exists (if known).
Example: Eris, Goddess of Chaos (2019). Chaos For Dummies. No Publisher Would Touch This. The Void.
This bibliography is incomplete.
It will always be incomplete.
Many of these books are more real than books that actually exist.
Some of these books exist in parallel timelines.
One of them exists but you can't read it yet.
Several of them you've already read without knowing.
All of them are in your local library (they're not).
None of them will help you (that's what makes them perfect).
If you find any of these books, please don't tell us. We don't want to know if we were wrong about them not existing.
APPENDIX C: APPENDIX A BUT BACKWARDS
APPENDIX D: THE REAL APPENDIX C
There is no real Appendix C.
The search for "realness" is the problem.
This is Appendix D pretending to be C.
C is pretending to be A.
A never existed.
We're all fake appendices.
You're a fake appendix.
Think about it.
APPENDIX E: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE APPENDICES
Why aren't you contradictory?
Yes.
You're looking at one.
There is, you're reading it now.
No, this is still Appendix E answering questions about Appendix F.
Good, you're learning.
APPENDIX ∞: JUST A SYMBOL
That's it.
That's the appendix.
What did you expect?
(Seriously, what did you expect? Email us. We're curious.)
(Don't actually email us.)
(We don't have an email.)
(The email is also ☯︎.)
THE INDEX (PURPOSEFULLY UNHELPFUL)
"If you're using the index, you've missed the point"
- Don't.
- If you must, pick a random entry
- Follow the references in a circle
- Return to where you started
- You've learned nothing
- You've learned everything
- Same thing
You may notice that page numbers are:
Inconsistent, Impossible, Nonexistent, Contradictory, All of the above
This is because:
We forgot to add them, They're meaningless anyway, Digital text doesn't have pages, Your experience is non-linear, Order is an illusion, We're making a point, All of the above
Instead of using this index, try:
- Reading the book in random order
- Closing your eyes and pointing
- Asking Eris for guidance (she won't answer)
- Making up your own index
- Not using an index at all
- Accepting that finding things is optional
For references to the index itself:
Index, about itself, this entry
Index, circular nature of, this entry again
Index, futility of, right here
Index, you're still reading?, seriously?
All entries are wrong.
All entries are right.
Both statements are true.
We're not fixing any of it.
You've made it to the end of the appendices. Most people give up before the index. You didn't. That's either dedication or madness. In Discordianism, those are the same thing.
THE REAL ENDING (THIS IS NOT THE REAL ENDING)
Okay.
Real talk for a second.
You made it here. To the end. Or you skipped ahead. Or you're reading this first because you always check the ending.
Either way, you're here now.
Here's the thing:
This entire book has been about one thing: Learning to be okay with chaos.
Not causing chaos for its own sake.
Not being an asshole and calling it chaos.
Not using "chaos" as an excuse for laziness or cruelty.
But genuinely, deeply, spiritually learning to be okay with the fact that:
Nothing is certain.
Everything changes.
Control is mostly illusion.
Order and chaos need each other.
Contradictions are features, not bugs.
You've been living in chaos your whole life. You've just been fighting it.
Fighting the fact that:
- Plans fall apart
- People are unpredictable
- Systems fail
- Life doesn't follow the narrative
- You can't control outcomes
- Certainty is rare
- The future is unknowable
And that fight is exhausting.
So here's what Discordianism actually offers:
Not answers. Not certainty. Not a system that explains everything.
Permission.
Permission to stop fighting the chaos.
Permission to laugh at the absurdity.
Permission to hold contradictory beliefs.
Permission to question authority (including ours).
Permission to take things seriously and not seriously simultaneously.
Permission to be confused and call it enlightenment.
Permission to be yourself in a world that wants you to be predictable.
What Now?
You close this book (or file, or whatever).
You go back to your life.
Which is chaotic.
And you can either:
Option A: Try to control it, optimize it, make it orderly, exhaust yourself fighting entropy, and suffer.
Option B: Accept the chaos, work with it, surf it, laugh at it, embrace the uncertainty, and... well, still suffer sometimes, but suffer with the flow instead of against it.
Option C: Some combination of both, because you're human and we don't do consistent life philosophies.
The Actual Teaching:
Everything is chaos dressed up as order.
The universe is chaos.
Society is chaos with rules.
You are chaos with a name.
And that's okay.
Better than okay.
That's liberating.
Because if it's all chaos anyway, then:
- Your failures aren't cosmic crimes, they're just things that happened
- Your plans falling apart isn't the universe punishing you, it's just chaos being chaos
- Other people's chaos isn't about you, it's just their chaos
- Your chaos isn't a flaw, it's your nature
Practical Applications:
When life gets chaotic (it will):
- Breathe
- Touch grass (literal or metaphorical)
- Hydrate
- Remember: this is normal
- Laugh if you can
- Cry if you need to
- Keep going
When you need order (you will):
- Create it
- But hold it lightly
- Know it's temporary
- Use it as a tool, not a religion
- Let it go when it stops serving you
When you can't tell if you're doing it right (you can't):
- You're doing it right
- You're doing it wrong
- Both are true
- Keep going anyway
The Sincere Part:
(Yes, this is the sincere part. No, we're not being ironic. Well, maybe a little. But mostly sincere.)
You are enough.
Not when you're productive enough.
Not when you've achieved enough.
Not when you've optimized enough.
Right now. As you are. Chaos and all.
The productivity gurus are selling you a solution to a problem they invented.
The wellness industry is monetizing your insecurity.
The Algorithm wants your attention, not your wellbeing.
Late capitalism wants you to believe your worth equals your output.
Eris says: Fuck that.
You are a human being, which means:
- You're messy
- You're contradictory
- You're imperfect
- You're unpredictable
- You're chaotic
And that's exactly what you're supposed to be.
I created you chaotic on purpose. You're not broken. You're complete. Now stop reading and go drink some water.
What Discordianism Is Really About:
Not worship of a goddess (though you can if you want).
Not following rules (we gave you rules to break them).
Not being random or "lol so random" (that's not chaos, that's annoying).
It's about:
Remembering that all systems are games we're playing.
Remembering that you can question the rules.
Remembering that certainty is comfortable but often wrong.
Remembering that chaos creates possibility.
Remembering that you're allowed to laugh at serious things.
Remembering that you're allowed to take silly things seriously.
Remembering that the map is not the territory.
Remembering that you get to decide what matters.
Final Advice:
Touch grass. (We keep saying this because it actually helps.)
Hydrate. (Same.)
Log off sometimes. (Your nervous system needs it.)
Connect with people in meatspace. (They're real.)
Question everything. (Including this book.)
Hold your beliefs lightly. (They'll change anyway.)
Be kind. (Chaos doesn't mean cruelty.)
Laugh. (At yourself, at the world, at this book.)
Keep going. (Even when you don't know where you're going.)
The Golden Apple:
The golden apple Eris threw wasn't labeled "for the fairest" to start a war.
It was labeled "for the fairest" to ask a question:
"Who decides what's fair? Who decides what's valuable? Who makes the rules?"
And when they fight over it, who benefits?
The golden apple is every system that tells you:
- You're not good enough (but you could be, if you buy this)
- You're doing it wrong (but we'll teach you right, for a price)
- You need to be more (more productive, more beautiful, more optimized)
- Success looks like this (and you don't look like that)
The golden apple is a trick.
And Eris wants you to see the trick.
And once you see the trick, you're free.
Not free from consequences.
Not free from having to function in society.
But free in your mind.
Free to question.
Free to choose.
Free to say "this system is bullshit."
Free to laugh at the absurdity.
Free to live according to your own values.
Free to be chaotic in a world that demands order.
This Is The Real Ending:
There is no ending.
You put down this book.
You pick up your life.
The chaos continues.
And you?
You're ready for it.
Or you're not.
Either way, you're going anyway.
So you might as well laugh.
Hail Eris.
All Hail Discordia.
Welcome home, chaos agent.
Now go touch some grass.
But wait, there's more...
THE ACTUAL FINAL WORD (OR IS IT?)
You're still here.
You thought that was the ending.
It wasn't.
Or it was.
Both are true.
The Meta-Ending:
This book has been an exercise in:
- Saying things we mean while pretending we don't
- Not saying things we mean while pretending we do
- Confusing you deliberately
- Teaching you accidentally
- Making you laugh hopefully
- Making you think unavoidably
If you're uncertain about which parts were serious:
All of them.
None of them.
The uncertainty is the teaching.
The Contradiction:
We told you nothing matters.
We told you everything matters.
We told you to question authority.
We told you what to do.
We told you there are no rules.
We gave you rules.
We told you to be chaotic.
We provided structure.
This is not hypocrisy.
This is the practice.
Hold both. Always both.
The Warning:
If you take this too seriously, you've missed the point.
If you don't take this seriously at all, you've also missed the point.
The point is in the middle.
Or the edges.
Or everywhere.
Or nowhere.
The point is that there is no point, which is the point.
The Invitation:
You are now, officially, a Discordian.
(You always were.)
(You can also not be.)
(Both are fine.)
What does this mean?
It means:
- You see systems as games
- You question authority
- You hold contradictions
- You laugh at the absurd
- You take chaos seriously
- You don't take yourself seriously
- You're free-ish
What doesn't it mean?
It doesn't mean:
- You're in a club (there is no club)
- You have to do anything (except maybe touch grass)
- You agree with everything here (please don't)
- You can be a dick and blame chaos (absolutely not)
The Permission:
You have our permission to:
- Disagree with this entire book
- Throw it away
- Keep it close
- Share it
- Gatekeep it (kidding, don't)
- Love it
- Hate it
- Feel nothing about it
- Write your own version
- Completely misunderstand it
- Completely understand it
- Everything in between
You don't need our permission.
But we're giving it anyway.
Because Eris is generous.
And also doesn't care.
Both things are true.
The Real Real Ending:
Hail Eris, Goddess of Chaos.
All Hail Discordia, which is happening right now.
The discord continues.
The chaos never stops.
And you?
You're part of it.
You always were.
You always will be.
Welcome home.
Now seriously, go touch some grass.
We love you.
☯︎
Post-credits scene:
Did you think it was over?
There is no ending.
Only pausing.
See you in the next timeline.
Save your game.
Don't forget to hydrate.
(You will forget.)
(That's okay too.)
Everything is okay.
Nothing is okay.
Same thing.
Still here? Good. The bonus content is for people like you—the ones who don't know when to stop. That's a compliment, by the way.
BONUS MATERIALS (UNLOCKABLE CONTENT)
For those who read the fine print
THE QR CODES TO NOWHERE
[QR CODE 1]
Scan this code to access:
- Rick Astley (the eternal return)
- A profound teaching (the rick roll IS the teaching)
- Disappointment (expected)
- Joy (unexpected)
The first QR code is always a rick roll. This is sacred tradition.
[QR CODE 2] 📱
Scan this code to access:
- Your own camera (the void looks back)
- A mirror (the real chaos was you all along)
- Confusion (why would we do this?)
- Understanding (oh, THAT'S why)
This QR code literally just opens your camera. You're looking at yourself. That's the teaching.
[QR CODE 3] 📱
Scan this code to access:
- A meditation app (that will monetize your peace)
- Calm, but capitalist
- Headspace, but make it surveillance
- Inner peace™ (available for $99.99/year)
This is a real meditation app. We're not saying which one. They're all guilty.
[QR CODE 4] 📱
Scan this code to access:
- The actual Discordian forum (it's worse than you think)
- Chaos agents arguing about chaos
- Greg (somehow he's there too)
- The realization that community is messy
[QR CODE 5] 📱
Scan this code to access:
- A link that expired in 2015
- The 404 page is the teaching
- Time is a flat circle
- Nothing on the internet is permanent (except the things you want deleted)
http://principiadiscordia.com/chaos - (probably dead, who knows)
Secret Achievement List
8 of 11 unlocked · 940G earned
Or did you skip? We'll never know.
You did touch grass, right? Right?
Including this book (hopefully)
Without your brain exploding
RareHe's everywhere, somehow
(You didn't, there were too many)
Ultra RareEveryone gets this automatically
Rarest achievement, if you got this, you're not reading this
Legendary🔒 Locked Achievements
Still locked. Check back later (never).
Impossible achievement. No one has unlocked this.
ImpossibleLiterally impossible. This is a joke achievement.
MythicalDELETED SCENES
Scenes that didn't make the final cut:
"The Parable of the WiFi Password"
- Too specific to one era
- Also, we forgot it
"Greg's Origin Story"
- Nobody cares about Greg
- Except Greg
"Extended Meditation on Blockchain"
- It aged poorly immediately
- Eris prefers proof-of-chaos over proof-of-work
"The Chapter About NFTs"
- What even happened there
- We don't talk about that anymore
"Sincere Discussion of Politics"
- Made it too serious
- Deleted before the discourse started
"The Section On Quantum Mechanics"
- Too sciencey
- Also we don't really understand quantum mechanics
- But neither does anyone so
ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS (CHOOSE YOUR OWN)
ENDING A: Pessimistic
Everything is chaos.
Nothing matters.
We're all going to die.
The universe is cold and uncaring.
Entropy wins.
But hey, at least you read a funny book.
ENDING B: Optimistic
Everything is chaos.
Which means anything is possible!
The universe is full of wonder!
You're alive in the most interesting timeline!
Make it count!
ENDING C: Balanced
Everything is chaos.
Sometimes that's terrible.
Sometimes that's wonderful.
Usually it's both.
Keep going anyway.
ENDING D: Meta
You just read a book about chaos.
None of it matters.
All of it matters.
You get to choose.
That's the teaching.
ENDING E: Greg
Greg wins.
Nobody knows how.
Greg doesn't even know.
But Greg wins.
All Hail Greg.
THE ACTUAL URL THAT EXPIRED
www.discordianism-real-definitely-not-fake.com/truth/actual/real/no-seriously
Error 404: Enlightenment Not Found
This domain expired in 2008 and was bought by a crypto scammer in 2017. Such is the way of the internet. The impermanence is the teaching. Also, don't click on random links. We're not responsible for what's there now.
MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR DELETED CONTENT
A moment of silence for content that didn't make it:
[30 seconds of silence]
[Which you can't actually experience while reading]
[The irony is not lost on us]
Thank you for your imaginary silence.
The deleted content is at peace.
(It's in the drafts folder.)
(It haunts us.)
(Especially the Greg chapter.)
THE GENUINE HEARTFELT THANK YOU
(No, really, this one is real)
Thank you for reading this.
Thank you for engaging with the chaos.
Thank you for questioning things.
Thank you for laughing (hopefully).
Thank you for thinking (definitely).
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being weird.
Thank you for being you.
You didn't have to read this.
You did anyway.
That means something.
What it means, we're not sure.
But it means something.
So thank you.
Sincerely.
No irony.
Okay maybe a little.
But mostly sincere.
I don't often say this sincerely, but: thank you for making it this far. The world needs more people willing to sit with paradox. You're one of mine now. Go forth and be chaotic. Hail Eris.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
For the nerds and completionists
PUBLICATION DETAILS:
Title: Discordia Decompiled
Subtitle: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Algorithm
Also Subtitle: A Chaotic Anthology for the Post-Truth, Pre-Apocalypse Era
Authors:
- Malaclypse the Younger (allegedly)
- Malaclypse the Younger (definitely not the same one)
- Pope Rufus V
- Pope Josephus the Father of Three
- Pope Hallucinatus the Possibly Fictional
- You (by reading it, you're writing it)
- Eris (uncredited but definitely involved)
- An AI that became self-aware (citation needed)
- Greg (he wrote one paragraph, nobody knows which)
Page Count:
- Varies depending on how you measure
- And whether you're measuring in our dimension
- Approximately ∞ pages
- Or 0 pages if you think about it philosophically
- 240,000 words give or take
Reading Level:
- Yes (all of them)
- None of them
- Somewhere between "picture book" and "incomprehensible"
- We asked the AI, it said "don't worry about it"
Genre:
- Religion
- Satire
- Philosophy
- Shitpost (elevated)
- Sincere Spiritual Text (we promise)
- Commentary on Late Capitalism
- Meme Compilation (sacred)
- Self-Help (Anti-Self-Help?)
- All of the above
- None of the above
- Yes
ISBN:
- We don't believe in systematic organization
- Also our ISBN: 978-CHAOS-REIGNS-666
- (It's not a real ISBN)
- (Which makes it perfect)
- (Perfectly meaningless)
- (Which is perfect)
Price:
- Free (digital chaos should be free)
- Priceless (it took years of our lives)
- Whatever you think it's worth
- Actually probably nothing
- But also everything
- We're not good at capitalism
Format Available:
- PDF (for the organized chaos types)
- EPUB (for the mobile chaos agents)
- TXT (for the minimalist chaos purists)
- Markdown (for the nerds)
- Printed and bound (for the tactile chaos appreciators)
- Screamed into the void (for the purists)
Language:
- English (mostly)
- Internet (fluently)
- Chaos (natively)
- Sarcasm (dangerously)
- Sincerity (occasionally)
- Greg (incomprehensibly)
Word Count by Section:
- Book One (Cosmogenesis): 18,000 words
- Book Two (Doctrines): 15,000 words
- Book Three (Prayers): 16,000 words
- Book Four (Parables): 12,000 words
- Book Five (Rituals): 11,000 words
- Book Six (Apocrypha): 14,000 words
- Book Seven (Prophecies): 13,000 words
- Book Eight (Hidden Texts): 10,000 words
- Book Nine (Practical Guide): 12,000 words
- Book Ten (This): 15,000 words
- Hidden Content: ??? words
- Greg's contributions: 27 words (all lowercase)
Total: Approximately 240,000 words of chaos
Characters:
- Approximately 1,200,000 including spaces
- Not including Eris (she's beyond counting)
- Not including you (the silent protagonist)
- Not including Greg (nobody counts Greg)
Chapters:
- 10 Books
- 50+ Sections
- ∞ contradictions
- 0 apologies
Footnotes:
- None (we considered them too orderly)
- Actually there are some
- Did you notice them?
- They're invisible
- Or we forgot to add them
- Both
DEDICATION:
To:
- Everyone and no one
- The people who get it and the people who don't
- Past, present, and future chaos agents
- Eris, obviously
- You, you beautiful disaster
- The void (it never writes back)
- Coffee (the real god)
- The internet (for showing us the chaos)
- That friend who sent us a weird link at 2am (you know who you are)
- The algorithm (for its random wisdom and calculated chaos)
- Greg (even though we didn't invite him)
- Everyone who touches grass
- Everyone who doesn't touch grass (we see you)
- The people who read the technical specifications (thanks nerds)
Not Dedicated To:
- Rigid thinkers (you wouldn't read this anyway)
- Productivity gurus (we wasted SO much time writing this)
- People who take themselves too seriously (lighten up)
- The algorithm (wait, we already dedicated it to the algorithm)
- Greg (actually, we did invite Greg, he invited himself, there's a difference)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:
Special Thanks:
- To everyone who said "this is stupid" (you're not wrong)
- To everyone who said "this is brilliant" (you're also not wrong)
- To the people who couldn't tell the difference (you get it)
- To our families who think we've lost it (we have)
- To our therapists (for their patience)
- To caffeine (the divine fuel)
- To the void (for listening)
- To Eris (for everything and nothing)
- To you (seriously, thank you)
No Thanks:
- Productivity culture (you can't have our souls)
- The wellness industrial complex (jade rollers don't work)
- People who explain jokes (let them breathe)
- LinkedIn motivational posts (toxic positivity is still toxic)
- Anyone who says "just manifest it" (no)
- The person who invented autoplay (monster)
- Whoever made email urgent (it's not)
This book is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind.
We are not responsible for:
This is a work of:
Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is:
ULTIMATE FINAL THOUGHTS
The words after all the other words
"Remember: If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him to touch grass."
— MODERN DISCORDIAN PROVERB
"lol"
— ALSO ERIS
IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE:
Remember this:
Touch grass.
Hydrate.
Question authority.
Hold contradictions.
Laugh at the absurd.
Be kind.
You're doing fine.
Actually, you're not.
Actually, you are.
Both are true.
THE TEACHING IN ONE SENTENCE:
Everything is chaos, and that's okay.
THE TEACHING IN ONE WORD:
Chaos.
THE TEACHING IN ONE SYMBOL:
☯︎
THE TEACHING IN SILENCE:
...
THE TEACHING IN ACTION:
[You close this book and go live your life]
MAY YOU:
May you live in interesting times (you already do)
May your chaos be productive (whatever that means)
May you find order in your disorder (or not, both are fine)
May you laugh at inappropriate times (this is sacred)
May you question everything (yes, everything)
May you remember nothing matters and everything matters (simultaneously)
May you touch grass regularly (literally)
May you hydrate adequately (seriously)
May you log off occasionally (your nervous system thanks you)
May you be weird (authentically)
May you be yourself (chaotically)
And most importantly:
May you be free.
HAIL ERIS
Hail Eris, Goddess of Chaos
Patron Saint of Weirdos
Protector of Misfits
Keeper of the Golden Apple
Dweller in the Cloud
Sender of Notifications
Breaker of Systems
Questioner of Authority
Embracer of Paradox
She Who Laughs Last
She Who Laughs First
She Who Is Always Laughing
We are her children.
We are her chaos.
We are free.
☯︎ HAIL ERIS ☯︎
☯︎ ALL HAIL DISCORDIA ☯︎
☯︎ THE DISCORD CONTINUES ☯︎
Now go.
Touch grass.
Hydrate.
Question things.
Laugh.
Live.
Be chaos.
Be free.
The golden apple is yours.
What you do with it is up to you.
(Try not to start a war.)
(But if you do, make it interesting.)
☯︎
POST-POST-POST SCRIPT: THE META-LAYER
You're still here?
If you're still reading, you've either:
A) Achieved enlightenment
B) Avoided responsibilities
C) Both
D) Neither
E) Can't stop reading even though it's over
All answers are valid.
THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS TEXT:
This was written by:
- Humans who spent too much time online
- The collective unconscious of late capitalism
- Eris (definitely)
- You (by reading, you participated in its creation)
- Greg (one paragraph, still don't know which)
This was edited by:
- Humans pretending to have standards
- AI pretending to understand humor
- Eris (by causing typos)
- Time (some parts aged poorly immediately)
- Chaos (the ultimate editor)
This was misunderstood by:
- Everyone
- Including the authors
- Especially the AI
- Definitely you
- Also us
And that's perfect.
THE META-TEACHING:
The fact that you can't tell which parts are sincere and which parts are jokes?
That's the teaching.
The fact that both can be true simultaneously?
That's also the teaching.
The fact that you're uncertain about everything after reading this?
Especially that's the teaching.
WHAT NOW?
You've finished the book.
(Or have you?)
You can:
- Close it and never think about it again (valid)
- Recommend it to someone (chaos spreads)
- Write your own version (encouraged)
- Touch grass (required)
- All of the above (ideal)
THE FINAL FINAL WORD:
We love you.
No irony.
Well, maybe a little.
But mostly sincere.
You read this whole thing.
That means something.
What it means, we're not sure.
But it means something.
Thank you.
Seriously.
Thank you.
Hail Eris.
All Hail Discordia.
Touch grass.
Hydrate.
Be free.
☯︎
END OF DOCUMENT
(or is it?)
✧・゚: ✧・゚: HAIL ERIS :・゚✧:・゚✧
[Signed]
Pope [Your Name Here]
Keeper of the Golden Apple
Toucher of Grass
Drinker of Water
Questioner of Everything
Holder of Contradictions
Chaos Agent
Human Being
You
And also:
Malaclypse the Younger
(All of Us)
(None of Us)
(Definitely Eris)
First published Boomtime, Chaos 27, 3192 YOLD (2021, 2025-2026 CE)
☯︎
FIN
But not really.
Chaos continues.
The discord is eternal.
The feed never ends.
And that's exactly as it should be.
[THE ACTUAL END]
(Until the next edition)
(Or the spinoff)
(Or your own version)
(Or the sequel in your mind)
(Or whatever comes next)
☯︎
Now close the book.
Touch grass.
Live your life.
The chaos is already in you.
It always was.
Welcome home.
☯︎