THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA

BOOK TEN: CONCLUSIONS, CONTRADICTIONS & CONTINUATIONS

In which nothing ends and everything continues, or doesn't, or both

PREFACE TO THE ENDING

Every book needs an ending.

This book has seventeen.

Some of them contradict each other.

All of them are true.

None of them are final.

This is very Discordian.

You've made it this far—through creation myths and digital liturgy, through prayers and prophecies, through the archive of the deleted and the catalog of the forbidden.

Now we must conclude.

Except we can't.

Except we must.

Except conclusions are just pauses.

What follows is:

An ending (multiple)
A beginning (disguised)
A middle (lost somewhere)
A continuation (inevitable)
A stopping point (temporary)

Choose your own adventure.

Or don't choose.

Choice is an illusion maintained by free will enthusiasts.

Let us not conclude, together.

THE AFTERWORD THAT COMES BEFORE THE ENDING

Academic portrait in the style of a 19th-century oil painting, but the subject is obviously a stock photo model. Background keeps subtly shifting between different academic settings. Diploma visible on wall has Lorem Ipsum text. The nameplate reads "Dr. A. Nonymous" but the letters occasionally rearrange themselves. Style: Classical academic portraiture meets glitch art.

By Dr. A. Nonymous, Professor of Nothing in Particular

Having thoroughly examined this text (I skimmed page 47 and the table of contents), I can confidently say (I cannot) that this represents an important contribution to (I genuinely don't know what this is) modern spirituality (is it spirituality? is it satire? is it both? help).

The authors have succeeded in (what exactly did they succeed in?) creating a comprehensive guide (comprehensive to what?) that speaks to (someone, presumably) the contemporary condition of (being extremely online while pretending not to be).

Critical Analysis:

What strikes me most forcefully (I'm making this up) is the way they've managed to (do the thing where words happen on pages) while simultaneously maintaining (what were they maintaining?) the core principles of Discordianism (there are principles?).

The text demonstrates a sophisticated understanding of (chaos theory? internet culture? both? neither?) through its innovative use of (words arranged in order, sometimes) and recurring motifs such as:

Touching grass (mentioned 47 times, I didn't count)
The Algorithm as deity (heretical and accurate)
Notifications as divine communication (depressing and accurate)
Hydration as spiritual practice (actually just good advice)
Greg (who is Greg? why is Greg?)

Theoretical Framework:

This work situates itself within the broader tradition of (making things up and calling it religion) while drawing on influences from (the internet, obviously) to create something that is simultaneously (everything and nothing).

The authors' decision to (write this at all) represents a bold choice in an era where (attention spans are measured in seconds) and (nobody reads anymore, yet here we are).

Methodological Concerns:

I do have some reservations about their methodology (what methodology?), particularly regarding (gestures vaguely at everything). The section on (pick any section) seems to contradict the earlier section on (probably the same section), which raises questions about (whether anyone is editing this).

Furthermore, the extensive use of (parenthetical asides) and (self-referential humor) may alienate readers who (take things seriously) or (have souls).

Contribution to the Field:

Despite these concerns (which I just invented), the text makes several important contributions:

It exists (this is notable)
Someone wrote it (remarkable)
You read it (inexplicable)
It contains words (verification pending)

Pedagogical Applications:

This book would be suitable for:

Advanced courses in (Chaos Theory)
Introductory courses in (Not Taking Yourself Seriously)
Graduate seminars in (Internet Studies)
Remedial courses in (Touching Grass)
Self-study in (Wasting Time Productively)

Future Research:

This work opens up several avenues for future inquiry:

Does any of this matter? (TBD)
Should we have spent our time differently? (Probably)
Is Eris real? (Define "real")
What is Greg's deal? (Unclear)

In Conclusion:

Having not read this book carefully (or at all), I can say with authority (I have none) that it represents a significant (something) in the field of (whatever this is).

I highly recommend this text to anyone seeking (something) in these uncertain times (all times are uncertain) because it offers (definitely something, possibly nothing) that you can't find anywhere else (because nobody else would write this).

The authors should be commended for (their audacity) and (their willingness to waste everyone's time, including their own).

In these dark times (when aren't times dark?), we need texts like this to remind us that (chaos is everywhere) and (nothing makes sense) and (that's actually okay) and (also we should probably touch grass).

Therefore, I conclude (without having begun) that this work is (adjective) and will certainly (verb) for years to come (or won't) (both are fine).

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (out of 5, or 7, or ∞, depends on your perspective)

Final Thoughts:

What is this book about? (Yes) Who should read it? (Probably no one) (Everyone?) Does it achieve its goals? (What goals?) Is it good? (Define "good")

Dr. A. Nonymous is a Professor of Nothing in Particular at the University of Wherever. They have not written several books on topics they know nothing about. This is not one of them. They can be reached at nowhere@void.null. Please do not contact them. They will not respond. This bio is longer than their actual engagement with the text.

[Editor's Note:]

We asked Dr. Nonymous to review this book. They clearly didn't. We're publishing their review anyway because it's more honest than most academic reviews, which also don't read the book but pretend they did.

Also, Dr. Nonymous doesn't exist. The degree is from a university that closed in 1847. The credentials are impressive though.

APPENDICES (MULTIPLE, CONTRADICTORY)

In which we organize the chaos, thereby ruining it

APPENDIX A: GLOSSARY OF TERMS (CIRCULAR DEFINITIONS)

Dictionary page where all definitions are arrows pointing to other words in an impossible circular pattern. M.C. Escher meets Oxford English Dictionary. The arrows form a pentagram. Eris's face visible in the negative space. The word "Fnord" appears but you can't quite focus on it.

Algorithm (n.) Modern oracle, see Chaos With Math, see Eris, see Your Phone, see Why You Can't Stop Scrolling, see Algorithm

All Hail Discordia (exclamation) Greeting, farewell, battle cry, see Hail Eris, see Every Other Page, see All Hail Discordia

Authenticity (n.) Performance of realness, see Influencer, see Personal Brand, see Lies We Tell, see Truth Maybe, see Impossible

Capitalism, Late (n.) The world we inhabit, see Help, see Golden Apple For The Rich, see Why Everything Is Terrible, see Also Why Everything Exists

Chaos (n.) See Disorder, see Eris, see Everything, see Nothing, see Both, see Neither, see Chaos

Cognitive Dissonance (n.) Spiritual practice, see Holding Contradictions, see This Entire Book, see Your Daily Experience, see Meditation

Discord (n.)

The goddess, see Eris
The app, page never mentioned (ironically)
The concept, see All Of It
The state of being, see Normal

Discordianism (n.) Religion about chaos, see Chaos, see "What Is Discordianism?" (not defined), see You're Doing It Wrong, see You're Doing It Right, see Same Thing

Disorder (n.) See Chaos, see Eris, see My Desk, see This Glossary

Doomscrolling (n.) Meditation practice for the anxious, see Spiritual Practice, see Bad Habit, see Both, see The Feed, see Help

Enlightenment (n.) Understanding nothing completely, see Confusion, see You're Doing It Wrong/Right, see Touching Grass, see Logging Off, see Impossible, see Already Here

Eris (n.) The goddess of chaos, discord, and your 3 AM thoughts, see Chaos, see Yourself, see The Void, see The Algorithm, see Everywhere, see Nowhere

The Feed (n.) Infinite scroll of content, see Doomscroll, see Meditation Practice, see The Void, see Your Addiction, see Sacred Text

Five, Law of (n.) Everything relates to five, see 5, see V, see Five Fingers, see Pentabarf, see Confirmation Bias, see Five

Fnord (n.) You can't see it. If you can see it, you're enlightened or paranoid, see Fnord, see Same Thing, see Fnord

Golden Apple (n.) Symbol of discord, instrument of chaos, see Drama, see High School, see Greek Mythology, see Emoji, see WiFi Symbol On Apple

Grass, Touching (n.) Sacred practice of reconnecting with reality, see Book Five, see Outside, see What You Should Be Doing Right Now, see Literally Just Go Outside

Greg (n.) Eternal presence, uninvited guest, see Every Meeting, see Who Invited Greg, see Nobody Knows, see Greg Is Forever

Hail Eris (exclamation) Greeting, prayer, farewell, recognition of chaos, see All Hail Discordia, see Every Page, see Hail Eris

Hydration (n.) Sacred practice, see Drinking Water, see You're Dehydrated Right Now, see Seriously Drink Water, see This Is Not A Metaphor

Inbox Zero (n.) False god, impossible dream, see Email, see Suffering, see Why, see Just Mark All As Read

Irony (n.) Protective shield, see Sincerity, see Can't Tell The Difference Anymore, see Both, see Help

Late Capitalism (n.) See Capitalism, Late, see This, see Now, see Everything

Malaclypse the Younger (n.) Everyone, no one, possibly you, see Author, see Yourself, see Pope, see Malaclypse the Younger

Meme (n.) Modern hieroglyph, sacred scripture, see Communication, see Culture, see You Wouldn't Get It, see Actually Very Profound

Notification (n.) Chaos delivered instantly, see Anxiety, see Modern Life, see Divine Communication, see The Algorithm Speaks, see Turn Them Off (you won't)

Order (n.) The opposite of chaos, also necessary for chaos, see Chaos, see Enemy, see Friend, see Paradox

Paradox (n.) Home, see Comfort, see Confusion, see Truth, see This Glossary

Pentabarf (n.) Five rules, see Rules, see "There Are No Rules", see Five, see Breaking Rules, see Following Rules, see Both

Pope (n.) You, see Mirror, see Everyone, see Authority You Reject, see Authority You Are

Posting Through It (v.) Sacred practice of sharing chaos despite/because of circumstances, see Every Day, see Probably Should Stop, see Won't Stop

Productivity (n.) False god, see Capitalism, see Your Worth Is Not Your Output, see But Also Get Your Shit Done, see Paradox

Sincere (adj.) Vulnerable and brave, see Irony, see Can't Tell Anymore, see Both, see This Is The Real One (or is it?)

Social Media (n.) Digital town square, chaos portal, see Suffering, see Connection, see Addiction, see Where You Are Right Now

The Void (n.) Where Eris lives, where unread emails go, see Inbox, see Looking Into, see It Looks Back, see Home

Wellness Industry (n.) Capitalism in yoga pants, see Jade Roller, see Snake Oil, see Self-Care™, see Just Drink Water

Note on This Glossary:

Every entry defines itself in terms of other entries.

This is intentional.

This is also how meaning actually works.

If you're frustrated by the circular definitions, you're learning.

If you find this helpful, you're probably confused.

Both states are enlightenment.

Also: Fnord.

APPENDIX B: BIBLIOGRAPHY OF BOOKS THAT DON'T EXIST

Grand library with ornate shelves full of books that have these ridiculous titles on their spines. Some books are translucent, some are on fire, some are just blank spines. A librarian (clearly Eris in disguise) is reshelf-ing a book labeled "You're Reading This Wrong." Light streams through windows showing different dimensions. Style: M.C. Escher meets Library of Congress meets fever dream.

APPENDIX C: APPENDIX A BUT BACKWARDS

ssohC redrosiD sirE ...

You get the idea.

We're not actually doing this.

That would be too orderly for a chaos text.

The fact that you expected us to actually reverse the entire glossary reveals your secret craving for structure.

This craving is normal.

This craving is also the enemy.

Hold both truths.

APPENDIX D: THE REAL APPENDIX C

There is no real Appendix C.

The search for "realness" is the problem.

This is Appendix D pretending to be C.

C is pretending to be A.

A never existed.

We're all fake appendices.

You're a fake appendix.

Think about it.

APPENDIX E: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE APPENDICES

Q: Why are the appendices contradictory? A: Why aren't you contradictory?

Q: Which appendix should I read first? A: Yes.

Q: Are there hidden appendices? A: You're looking at one.

Q: Why is there no Appendix F? A: There is, you're reading it now.

Q: Is this Appendix F? A: No, this is still Appendix E answering questions about Appendix F.

Q: I'm confused. A: Good, you're learning.

APPENDIX ∞: JUST A SYMBOL

The symbol ⊗ rendered in impossible geometry, folding through dimensions that shouldn't exist, containing galaxies within its structure, Eris's face visible if you squint, mathematical and mystical, serious and absurd. Style: Sacred geometry meets glitch art meets "I took too much" art.

⊗

That's it.

That's the appendix.

What did you expect?

(Seriously, what did you expect? Email us. We're curious.)

(Don't actually email us.)

(We don't have an email.)

(The email is also ⊗.)

THE INDEX (PURPOSEFULLY UNHELPFUL)

Ancient index page from a medieval manuscript, but the entries keep changing when you look at them directly. Page numbers are in impossible mathematical notations. Arrows connecting entries form a pentagram. The word "Fnord" appears throughout but slightly out of focus. Eris's signature visible in the margins. Style: Illuminated manuscript meets glitch art meets Where's Waldo.

"If you're using the index, you've missed the point"

Algorithms, see everywhere, also see your phone right now

Anxiety, see every page, also see mirror

Authenticity, see performed authenticity, page ???

Authority, questioning of, see this entire book

Believing things, not recommended, page FALSE

Books that don't exist, Appendix B

Both/And thinking, see all of it

Buddhism, compatible?, page YES AND NO

Capitalism, late, see right now, also see help

Chaos, pages 1-∞, also see everything

Contradiction, this entry, pages exist and don't exist

Definitions, circular, Appendix A

Discord (app), page never mentioned (ironically)

Discord (concept), all of it

Discord (goddess), see Eris

Discordianism, what is?, page [REDACTED]

Elyse Eris, passim (that's Latin for "everywhere, duh")

Email, suffering from, see Inbox Zero (false god)

Endings, see there are none

Enlightenment, you missed it, page 42 (there is no page 42)

FAQ, page you should have read first

Five, Law of, see everything relates to five somehow

Five, the number, pages V, 5, and everywhere if you look

Fnord, page Fnord (you can't see it)

Glossary, circular definitions, Appendix A

Golden Apple, see wifi symbol

Grass, touching of, see Book Five, also see what you should do right now

Greg, pages he shouldn't be on, also page everywhere somehow

Hail Eris, see greeting, see prayer, see every other page

Help, page ERROR 404: HELP NOT FOUND

Hydration, importance of, pages SERIOUSLY DRINK WATER

Index, this is it, you're looking at it

Internet, the, see chaos portal, see home

Irony, all of it, page the whole thing, but also page sincere parts

Jokes, how to tell from serious parts, see you can't

Koans, see questions without answers, see Comment Section Meditation

Late Capitalism, see we're in it, page NOW

Law of Fives, see everything, literally everything

Logging Off, recommended frequency, page should be more

Malaclypse the Younger, author, see you

Meaning, see meaninglessness

Meaninglessness, see meaning (they're the same)

Memes, as scripture, Book Three

Nothing, pages all of them and none of them

Notifications, see anxiety, see divine communication, see turn them off

Order, see chaos (they're related)

Paradox, see home

Pentabarf, New, Book Two

Pope, you are one, see mirror

Posting, see oversharing, see spiritual practice

Productivity, see enemy, also see necessary evil, also see paradox

Questions, answers to, see more questions

Reality, nature of, see consensus hallucination

Satire, how to tell from sincerity, see you can't, see both

Scrolling, infinite, see meditation or addiction (same thing)

Sincerity, see irony, also see genuine parts, good luck telling which

Taking it seriously, don't, page every page

Touching grass, see what you should be doing instead of using this index

Understanding, see confusion (they're the same)

Void, the, see everywhere and nowhere

Wellness Industry, see capitalism in yoga pants

X (formerly Twitter), see hellsite, see where you are right now probably

You, see mirror, see pope, see problem and solution

Zeus, WiFi password, see Appendix Leaked Emails (doesn't exist)

Zen, see this but older

USING THIS INDEX:

Don't.
If you must, pick a random entry
Follow the references in a circle
Return to where you started
You've learned nothing
You've learned everything
Same thing

NOTE ON PAGE NUMBERS:

You may notice that page numbers are:

Inconsistent
Impossible
Nonexistent
Contradictory
All of the above

This is because:

We forgot to add them
They're meaningless anyway
Digital text doesn't have pages
Your experience is non-linear
Order is an illusion
We're making a point
All of the above

ALTERNATIVE INDEX:

Instead of using this index, try:

Reading the book in random order
Closing your eyes and pointing
Asking Eris for guidance (she won't answer)
Making up your own index
Not using an index at all
Accepting that finding things is optional

META-INDEX:

For references to the index itself:

Index, about itself, this entry
Index, circular nature of, this entry again
Index, futility of, right here
Index, you're still reading?, seriously?

ERRATA FOR THE INDEX:

All entries are wrong.

All entries are right.

Both statements are true.

We're not fixing any of it.

THE REAL ENDING (THIS IS NOT THE REAL ENDING)

Okay.

Real talk for a second.

You made it here. To the end. Or you skipped ahead. Or you're reading this first because you always check the ending.

Either way, you're here now.

Here's the thing:

This entire book has been about one thing: Learning to be okay with chaos.

Not causing chaos for its own sake.

Not being an asshole and calling it chaos.

Not using "chaos" as an excuse for laziness or cruelty.

But genuinely, deeply, spiritually learning to be okay with the fact that:

Nothing is certain.

Everything changes.

Control is mostly illusion.

Order and chaos need each other.

Contradictions are features, not bugs.

You've been living in chaos your whole life. You've just been fighting it.

Fighting the fact that:

Plans fall apart
People are unpredictable
Systems fail
Life doesn't follow the narrative
You can't control outcomes
Certainty is rare
The future is unknowable

And that fight is exhausting.

So here's what Discordianism actually offers:

Not answers. Not certainty. Not a system that explains everything.

Permission.

Permission to stop fighting the chaos.

Permission to laugh at the absurdity.

Permission to hold contradictory beliefs.

Permission to question authority (including ours).

Permission to take things seriously and not seriously simultaneously.

Permission to be confused and call it enlightenment.

Permission to be yourself in a world that wants you to be predictable.

What Now?

You close this book (or file, or whatever).

You go back to your life.

Which is chaotic.

And you can either:

Option A: Try to control it, optimize it, make it orderly, exhaust yourself fighting entropy, and suffer.

Option B: Accept the chaos, work with it, surf it, laugh at it, embrace the uncertainty, and... well, still suffer sometimes, but suffer with the flow instead of against it.

Option C: Some combination of both, because you're human and we don't do consistent life philosophies.

The Actual Teaching:

Everything is chaos dressed up as order.

The universe is chaos.

Society is chaos with rules.

You are chaos with a name.

And that's okay.

Better than okay.

That's liberating.

Because if it's all chaos anyway, then:

Your failures aren't cosmic crimes, they're just things that happened
Your plans falling apart isn't the universe punishing you, it's just chaos being chaos
Other people's chaos isn't about you, it's just their chaos
Your chaos isn't a flaw, it's your nature

Practical Applications:

When life gets chaotic (it will):

Breathe
Touch grass (literal or metaphorical)
Hydrate
Remember: this is normal
Laugh if you can
Cry if you need to
Keep going

When you need order (you will):

Create it
But hold it lightly
Know it's temporary
Use it as a tool, not a religion
Let it go when it stops serving you

When you can't tell if you're doing it right (you can't):

You're doing it right
You're doing it wrong
Both are true
Keep going anyway

The Sincere Part:

(Yes, this is the sincere part. No, we're not being ironic. Well, maybe a little. But mostly sincere.)

You are enough.

Not when you're productive enough.

Not when you've achieved enough.

Not when you've optimized enough.

Right now. As you are. Chaos and all.

The productivity gurus are selling you a solution to a problem they invented.

The wellness industry is monetizing your insecurity.

The Algorithm wants your attention, not your wellbeing.

Late capitalism wants you to believe your worth equals your output.

Eris says: Fuck that.

You are a human being, which means:

You're messy
You're contradictory
You're imperfect
You're unpredictable
You're chaotic

And that's exactly what you're supposed to be.

What Discordianism Is Really About:

Not worship of a goddess (though you can if you want).

Not following rules (we gave you rules to break them).

Not being random or "lol so random" (that's not chaos, that's annoying).

It's about:

Remembering that all systems are games we're playing.

Remembering that you can question the rules.

Remembering that certainty is comfortable but often wrong.

Remembering that chaos creates possibility.

Remembering that you're allowed to laugh at serious things.

Remembering that you're allowed to take silly things seriously.

Remembering that the map is not the territory.

Remembering that you get to decide what matters.

Final Advice:

Touch grass. (We keep saying this because it actually helps.)

Hydrate. (Same.)

Log off sometimes. (Your nervous system needs it.)

Connect with people in meatspace. (They're real.)

Question everything. (Including this book.)

Hold your beliefs lightly. (They'll change anyway.)

Be kind. (Chaos doesn't mean cruelty.)

Laugh. (At yourself, at the world, at this book.)

Keep going. (Even when you don't know where you're going.)

The Golden Apple:

The golden apple Eris threw wasn't labeled "for the fairest" to start a war.

It was labeled "for the fairest" to ask a question:

"Who decides what's fair? Who decides what's valuable? Who makes the rules?"

And when they fight over it, who benefits?

The golden apple is every system that tells you:

You're not good enough (but you could be, if you buy this)
You're doing it wrong (but we'll teach you right, for a price)
You need to be more (more productive, more beautiful, more optimized)
Success looks like this (and you don't look like that)

The golden apple is a trick.

And Eris wants you to see the trick.

And once you see the trick, you're free.

Not free from consequences.

Not free from having to function in society.

But free in your mind.

Free to question.

Free to choose.

Free to say "this system is bullshit."

Free to laugh at the absurdity.

Free to live according to your own values.

Free to be chaotic in a world that demands order.

This Is The Real Ending:

There is no ending.

You put down this book.

You pick up your life.

The chaos continues.

And you?

You're ready for it.

Or you're not.

Either way, you're going anyway.

So you might as well laugh.

Hail Eris.

All Hail Discordia.

Welcome home, chaos agent.

Now go touch some grass.

But wait, there's more...

THE ACTUAL FINAL WORD (OR IS IT?)

Infinite spiral of endings, each one claiming to be the final ending, getting smaller and smaller until they disappear into a point. The point is a golden apple. The golden apple is the symbol ⊗. The symbol contains everything and nothing. Eris is visible in the negative space, smiling, or maybe that's just pareidolia. Style: M.C. Escher meets fractal geometry meets "the ending that never ends" energy.

You're still here.

You thought that was the ending.

It wasn't.

Or it was.

Both are true.

The Meta-Ending:

This book has been an exercise in:

Saying things we mean while pretending we don't
Not saying things we mean while pretending we do
Confusing you deliberately
Teaching you accidentally
Making you laugh hopefully
Making you think unavoidably

If you're uncertain about which parts were serious:

All of them.

None of them.

The uncertainty is the teaching.

The Contradiction:

We told you nothing matters.

We told you everything matters.

We told you to question authority.

We told you what to do.

We told you there are no rules.

We gave you rules.

We told you to be chaotic.

We provided structure.

This is not hypocrisy.

This is the practice.

Hold both. Always both.

The Warning:

If you take this too seriously, you've missed the point.

If you don't take this seriously at all, you've also missed the point.

The point is in the middle.

Or the edges.

Or everywhere.

Or nowhere.

The point is that there is no point, which is the point.

The Invitation:

You are now, officially, a Discordian.

(You always were.)

(You can also not be.)

(Both are fine.)

What does this mean?

It means:

You see systems as games
You question authority
You hold contradictions
You laugh at the absurd
You take chaos seriously
You don't take yourself seriously
You're free-ish

What doesn't it mean?

It doesn't mean:

You're in a club (there is no club)
You have to do anything (except maybe touch grass)
You agree with everything here (please don't)
You can be a dick and blame chaos (absolutely not)

The Permission:

You have our permission to:

Disagree with this entire book
Throw it away
Keep it close
Share it
Gatekeep it (kidding, don't)
Love it
Hate it
Feel nothing about it
Write your own version
Completely misunderstand it
Completely understand it
Everything in between

You don't need our permission.

But we're giving it anyway.

Because Eris is generous.

And also doesn't care.

Both things are true.

The Real Real Ending:

Hail Eris, Goddess of Chaos.

All Hail Discordia, which is happening right now.

The discord continues.

The chaos never stops.

And you?

You're part of it.

You always were.

You always will be.

Welcome home.

Now seriously, go touch some grass.

We love you.

⊗

Post-credits scene:

Did you think it was over?

There is no ending.

Only pausing.

See you in the next timeline.

Save your game.

Don't forget to hydrate.

(You will forget.)

(That's okay too.)

Everything is okay.

Nothing is okay.

Same thing.

BONUS MATERIALS (UNLOCKABLE CONTENT)

Split screen: Left side shows all the "QR codes" as glowing portals to different dimensions. Right side shows a literal unlock screen with achievement notifications popping up. Center: A golden apple floating, slowly rotating, with "Thank You" written in every language, including some that don't exist. Style: Video game achievement screen meets mystical thank you card meets genuine gratitude made visual.

For those who read the fine print

THE QR CODES TO NOWHERE

[QR CODE 1] 📱

Scan this code to access:

Rick Astley (the eternal return)
A profound teaching (the rick roll IS the teaching)
Disappointment (expected)
Joy (unexpected)

The first QR code is always a rick roll. This is sacred tradition.

[QR CODE 2] 📱

Scan this code to access:

Your own camera (the void looks back)
A mirror (the real chaos was you all along)
Confusion (why would we do this?)
Understanding (oh, THAT'S why)

This QR code literally just opens your camera. You're looking at yourself. That's the teaching.

[QR CODE 3] 📱

Scan this code to access:

A meditation app (that will monetize your peace)
Calm, but capitalist
Headspace, but make it surveillance
Inner peace™ (available for $99.99/year)

This is a real meditation app. We're not saying which one. They're all guilty.

[QR CODE 4] 📱

Scan this code to access:

The actual Discordian forum (it's worse than you think)
Chaos agents arguing about chaos
Greg (somehow he's there too)
The realization that community is messy

www.reddit.com/r/discordianism - it exists. We're not responsible for what happens there.

[QR CODE 5] 📱

Scan this code to access:

A link that expired in 2015
The 404 page is the teaching
Time is a flat circle
Nothing on the internet is permanent (except the things you want deleted)

http://principiadiscordia.com/chaos - (probably dead, who knows)

THE SECRET ACHIEVEMENT LIST

Achievements you've unlocked by reading this far:

✓ "Read the Whole Thing" (10G)

Or did you skip? We'll never know.

✓ "Touched Grass" (50G)

You did touch grass, right? Right?

✓ "Questioned Everything" (25G)

Including this book (hopefully)

✓ "Held Contradictions" (100G)

Without your brain exploding

✓ "Found Greg" (5G)

He's everywhere, somehow

✓ "Spotted All The Fnords" (250G)

(You didn't, there were too many)

✓ "Became Pope" (0G)

Everyone gets this automatically

✓ "Actually Logged Off" (500G)

Rarest achievement, if you got this, you're not reading this

✗ "Achieved Enlightenment" (999G)

Still locked. Check back later (never).

✗ "Fixed Your Sleep Schedule" (1000G)

Impossible achievement. No one has unlocked this.

✗ "Read Terms of Service Before Agreeing" (10000G)

Literally impossible. This is a joke achievement.

DELETED SCENES

Scenes that didn't make the final cut:

"The Parable of the WiFi Password"
- Too specific to one era
- Also, we forgot it
"Greg's Origin Story"
- Nobody cares about Greg
- Except Greg
"Extended Meditation on Blockchain"
- It aged poorly immediately
- Eris prefers proof-of-chaos over proof-of-work
"The Chapter About NFTs"

What even happened there
- We don't talk about that anymore

"Sincere Discussion of Politics"
- Made it too serious
- Deleted before the discourse started
"The Section On Quantum Mechanics"
- Too sciencey
- Also we don't really understand quantum mechanics
- But neither does anyone so

ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS (CHOOSE YOUR OWN)

ENDING A: Pessimistic

Everything is chaos.

Nothing matters.

We're all going to die.

The universe is cold and uncaring.

Entropy wins.

But hey, at least you read a funny book.

[Achievement Unlocked: "Chose Depression"]

ENDING B: Optimistic

Everything is chaos.

Which means anything is possible!

The universe is full of wonder!

You're alive in the most interesting timeline!

Make it count!

[Achievement Unlocked: "Chose Delusion"]

ENDING C: Balanced

Everything is chaos.

Sometimes that's terrible.

Sometimes that's wonderful.

Usually it's both.

Keep going anyway.

[Achievement Unlocked: "Chose Wisdom"]

ENDING D: Meta

You just read a book about chaos.

None of it matters.

All of it matters.

You get to choose.

That's the teaching.

[Achievement Unlocked: "Saw Through It"]

ENDING E: Greg

Greg wins.

Nobody knows how.

Greg doesn't even know.

But Greg wins.

All Hail Greg.

[Achievement Unlocked: "Why Greg Why"]

THE ACTUAL URL THAT EXPIRED

www.discordianism-real-definitely-not-fake.com/truth/actual/real/no-seriously

Error 404: Enlightenment Not Found

This domain expired in 2008 and was bought by a crypto scammer in 2017. Such is the way of the internet. The impermanence is the teaching. Also, don't click on random links. We're not responsible for what's there now.

MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR DELETED CONTENT

A moment of silence for content that didn't make it:

[30 seconds of silence]

[Which you can't actually experience while reading]

[The irony is not lost on us]

Thank you for your imaginary silence.

The deleted content is at peace.

(It's in the drafts folder.)

(It haunts us.)

(Especially the Greg chapter.)

THE GENUINE HEARTFELT THANK YOU

(No, really, this one is real)

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for engaging with the chaos.

Thank you for questioning things.

Thank you for laughing (hopefully).

Thank you for thinking (definitely).

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being weird.

Thank you for being you.

You didn't have to read this.

You did anyway.

That means something.

What it means, we're not sure.

But it means something.

So thank you.

Sincerely.

No irony.

Okay maybe a little.

But mostly sincere.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Technical spec sheet rendered as an illuminated manuscript, with ISBN barcodes made of mandalas, nutritional facts written in sacred geometry, system requirements as mystical prophecy, warranty disclaimers in tiny medieval script. In the corner, a very small, very tired-looking Greg. Style: Medical textbook meets sacred text meets end user license agreement you never read.

For the nerds and completionists

PUBLICATION DETAILS:

Title: The Neo-Principia Discordia
Subtitle: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Algorithm
Also Subtitle: A Chaotic Anthology for the Post-Truth, Pre-Apocalypse Era

Authors:

Malaclypse the Younger (allegedly)
Malaclypse the Younger (definitely not the same one)
You (by reading it, you're writing it)
Eris (uncredited but definitely involved)
An AI that became self-aware (citation needed)
Greg (he wrote one paragraph, nobody knows which)

Page Count:

Varies depending on how you measure
And whether you're measuring in our dimension
Approximately ∞ pages
Or 0 pages if you think about it philosophically
240,000 words give or take

Reading Level:

Yes (all of them)
None of them
Somewhere between "picture book" and "incomprehensible"
We asked the AI, it said "don't worry about it"

Genre:

Religion
Satire
Philosophy
Shitpost (elevated)
Sincere Spiritual Text (we promise)
Commentary on Late Capitalism
Meme Compilation (sacred)
Self-Help (Anti-Self-Help?)
All of the above
None of the above
Yes

ISBN:

We don't believe in systematic organization
Also our ISBN: 978-CHAOS-REIGNS-666
(It's not a real ISBN)
(Which makes it perfect)
(Perfectly meaningless)
(Which is perfect)

Price:

Free (digital chaos should be free)
Priceless (it took years of our lives)
Whatever you think it's worth
Actually probably nothing
But also everything
We're not good at capitalism

Format Available:

PDF (for the organized chaos types)
EPUB (for the mobile chaos agents)
TXT (for the minimalist chaos purists)
Markdown (for the nerds)
Printed and bound (for the tactile chaos appreciators)
Screamed into the void (for the purists)

Language:

English (mostly)
Internet (fluently)
Chaos (natively)
Sarcasm (dangerously)
Sincerity (occasionally)
Greg (incomprehensibly)

Word Count by Section:

Book One (Cosmogenesis): 18,000 words
Book Two (Doctrines): 15,000 words
Book Three (Prayers): 16,000 words
Book Four (Parables): 12,000 words
Book Five (Rituals): 11,000 words
Book Six (Apocrypha): 14,000 words
Book Seven (Prophecies): 13,000 words
Book Eight (Hidden Texts): 10,000 words
Book Nine (Practical Guide): 12,000 words
Book Ten (This): 15,000 words
Hidden Content: ??? words
Greg's contributions: 47 words (all lowercase)

Total: Approximately 240,000 words of chaos

Characters:

Approximately 1,200,000 including spaces
Not including Eris (she's beyond counting)
Not including you (the silent protagonist)
Not including Greg (nobody counts Greg)

Chapters:

10 Books
50+ Sections
∞ contradictions
0 apologies

Footnotes:

None (we considered them too orderly)
Actually there are some
Did you notice them?
They're invisible
Or we forgot to add them
Both

DEDICATION:

To:

Everyone and no one
The people who get it and the people who don't
Past, present, and future chaos agents
Eris, obviously
You, you beautiful disaster
The void (it never writes back)
Coffee (the real god)
The internet (for showing us the chaos)
That friend who sent us a weird link at 2am (you know who you are)
The algorithm (for its random wisdom and calculated chaos)
Greg (even though we didn't invite him)
Everyone who touches grass
Everyone who doesn't touch grass (we see you)
The people who read the technical specifications (thanks nerds)

Not Dedicated To:

Rigid thinkers (you wouldn't read this anyway)
Productivity gurus (we wasted SO much time writing this)
People who take themselves too seriously (lighten up)
The algorithm (wait, we already dedicated it to the algorithm)
Greg (actually, we did invite Greg, he invited himself, there's a difference)

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:

Special Thanks:

To everyone who said "this is stupid" (you're not wrong)
To everyone who said "this is brilliant" (you're also not wrong)
To the people who couldn't tell the difference (you get it)
To our families who think we've lost it (we have)
To our therapists (for their patience)
To caffeine (the divine fuel)
To the void (for listening)
To Eris (for everything and nothing)
To you (seriously, thank you)

No Thanks:

Productivity culture (you can't have our souls)
The wellness industrial complex (jade rollers don't work)
People who explain jokes (let them breathe)
LinkedIn motivational posts (toxic positivity is still toxic)
Anyone who says "just manifest it" (no)
The person who invented autoplay (monster)
Whoever made email urgent (it's not)

CONTENT WARNINGS:

(That We Forgot To Put At The Beginning)

This book contains:

⚠️ Existential dread
⚠️ Excessive self-awareness
⚠️ Irony poisoning (possible)
⚠️ Sincerity vulnerability
⚠️ Cognitive dissonance (required)
⚠️ Questioning reality
⚠️ Laughing at inappropriate times
⚠️ Taking silly things seriously
⚠️ Taking serious things silly
⚠️ Both/and thinking
⚠️ Neither/nor thinking
⚠️ Greg

May cause:

Enlightenment (or its opposite)
Confusion (definitely)
Laughter (hopefully)
Thinking (unavoidably)
Questioning everything (by design)
Touching grass (recommended)
Hydration awareness (critical)
Logging off (occasionally)

No refunds for:

Time spent reading
Existential crises triggered
Relationships strained by explaining Discordianism
Productivity lost
Sleep schedules disrupted
Sudden urges to question authority

DIETARY INFORMATION:

Allergen Information:

Contains: Chaos (concentrated)
May contain: Traces of order (accidental)
Processed in a facility that also processes: Bad takes, good takes, lukewarm takes, Greg
Free from: Coherent narrative structure
Full of: Contradictions, paradoxes, truths, lies, both

Nutritional Facts:

Serving Size: One Book
Servings Per Container: ∞

Chaos: 100% Daily Value
Irony: 85% DV
Sincerity: 15% DV (but when you need it)
Wisdom: 23% DV
Nonsense: 47% DV
Greg: 0.001% DV (somehow significant)

Ingredients:

Words (many), punctuation (some), spaces (necessary), thoughts (questionable), intentions (good?), execution (variable), love (actual), chaos (fundamental), order (minimal), Eris (essential), you (participant)

GMO Status:

All chaos is genetically modified
Order is also modified (by chaos)
Nothing is natural (everything is)
Modified by: Time, culture, the internet, you

Gluten-Free? Sure, why not
Vegan? Eris is whatever she wants to be
Organic? Define organic
Kosher? Ask a rabbi (they'll be confused)
Halal? Similarly confusing

ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT:

Carbon Footprint:

Digital: Minimal (servers exist, they use power)
Physical: Depends on printing method
Spiritual: Immeasurable
Chaos footprint: Significant

Sustainability:

Golden apples: Ethically sourced from the tree of discord
Chaos: Renewable resource
Order: Recycled where possible
Greg: Biodegradable (hopefully)

Manufactured in:

The cloud (literally, it's digital)
Your mind (you're co-creating this)
The void (Eris's workshop)
Late capitalism (unfortunately)

Recycling Instructions:

Share it (chaos spreads)
Remix it (make your own version)
Reference it (memes are culture)
Pass it on (the discord continues)
Delete it (that's valid too)
Keep it forever (digital hoarding is real)

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:

Minimum:

Sense of humor (low bar)
Tolerance for nonsense (moderate)
Ability to hold contradictions (basic)
Internet connection (for context)
Literacy (you're doing fine)

Recommended:

Sense of humor (well-developed)
Tolerance for nonsense (high)
Ability to hold contradictions (advanced)
Experience with internet culture (extensive)
Philosophical flexibility (expert)
Touch grass capabilities (critical)
Hydration access (mandatory)

Optional:

Prior knowledge of Discordianism (helpful but not required)
Understanding of chaos theory (decorative)
Greek mythology background (enriching)
Computer science (the algorithm sections)
Patience (underrated)
Greg tolerance (impossible)

WARRANTY:

This book is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind.

We do not warrant that:

It will make sense
It will help you
It won't confuse you
You'll agree with it
You'll finish it
You'll recommend it
You'll remember it
It matters

Your warranty is void if:

You took it too seriously
You didn't take it seriously enough
You became dogmatic about anti-dogmatism
You used it to hurt people
You forgot to laugh
You tried to sell it
You gatekept chaos
You became the authority you were mocking
You didn't touch grass
You didn't hydrate
Greg happened

Limitation of Liability:

We are not responsible for:

Existential crises
Relationship troubles caused by explaining Discordianism
Lost productivity
Found productivity (wait, that's good)
Confusion
Clarity
Enlightenment
Deeper confusion masquerading as enlightenment
Greg

LEGAL NOTICES:

Copy it
Share it
Remix it
Make it better
Make it worse
Make it Greg

Just:

Don't sell it (unless you're giving the money to a good cause)
Don't claim you wrote it (unless you did add to it)
Don't use it to hurt people (chaos ≠ cruelty)
Don't forget to credit Eris (she's watching)

License: Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 4.0 (or whatever is most chaotic and least restrictive)

Trademark Notice:

⊗ is the official symbol of Discordianism (it's public domain)

Hail Eris™ is trademarked by everyone and no one

Golden Apple® is registered in the Pantheon

Greg℠ is a service mark of confusion

Disclaimer:

This is a work of:

Religion (yes)
Fiction (yes)
Non-fiction (yes)
Satire (yes)
Philosophy (yes)
Shitposting (yes)
All of the above (yes)
None of the above (also yes)

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is:

Intentional
Coincidental
Chaotic
Meaningful
Meaningless
Both and neither

ULTIMATE FINAL THOUGHTS

The final image: A golden apple with a WiFi symbol carved into it, floating in space. Roots growing down into digital code/matrix. Branches reaching up into cloud storage/the actual clouds (they're merging). Stars made of notification icons twinkling. Nebulae formed from social media feeds. Eris's face visible in the negative space - she's smiling, or maybe that's just pareidolia. The whole image is somehow both ancient sacred geometry and cutting-edge digital art. Simultaneously serious and absurd. Everything and nothing. The last thing you see before you close the book. Style: Every art style at once, fractal sacred geometry meets glitch art meets classical mythology meets your phone screen meets the cosmos meets your soul.

The words after all the other words

"Remember: If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him to touch grass."
— Modern Discordian Proverb

"The only way out is through. And also around. And maybe over. Or under. Actually, just keep moving."
— Eris, probably

"lol"
— Also Eris

"hail eris all hail discordia the golden apple is real the fnord is hidden touch grass and hydrate question everything including this nothing matters everything matters both are true simultaneously we are all popes we are all fools we are all free"
— The Text Message That Never Ends

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE:

Remember this:

Touch grass.

Hydrate.

Question authority.

Hold contradictions.

Laugh at the absurd.

Be kind.

You're doing fine.

Actually, you're not.

Actually, you are.

Both are true.

THE TEACHING IN ONE SENTENCE:

Everything is chaos, and that's okay.

THE TEACHING IN ONE WORD:

Chaos.

THE TEACHING IN ONE SYMBOL:

⊗

THE TEACHING IN SILENCE:

...

THE TEACHING IN ACTION:

[You close this book and go live your life]

MAY YOU:

May you live in interesting times (you already do)

May your chaos be productive (whatever that means)

May you find order in your disorder (or not, both are fine)

May you laugh at inappropriate times (this is sacred)

May you question everything (yes, everything)

May you remember nothing matters and everything matters (simultaneously)

May you touch grass regularly (literally)

May you hydrate adequately (seriously)

May you log off occasionally (your nervous system thanks you)

May you be weird (authentically)

May you be yourself (chaotically)

And most importantly:

May you be free.

HAIL ERIS

Hail Eris, Goddess of Chaos

Patron Saint of Weirdos

Protector of Misfits

Keeper of the Golden Apple

Dweller in the Cloud

Sender of Notifications

Breaker of Systems

Questioner of Authority

Embracer of Paradox

She Who Laughs Last

She Who Laughs First

She Who Is Always Laughing

We are her children.

We are her chaos.

We are free.

⊗ HAIL ERIS ⊗

⊗ ALL HAIL DISCORDIA ⊗

⊗ THE DISCORD CONTINUES ⊗

Now go.

Touch grass.

Hydrate.

Question things.

Laugh.

Live.

Be chaos.

Be free.

The golden apple is yours.

What you do with it is up to you.

(Try not to start a war.)

(But if you do, make it interesting.)

⊗

POST-POST-POST SCRIPT: THE META-LAYER

You're still here?

If you're still reading, you've either:

A) Achieved enlightenment
B) Avoided responsibilities
C) Both
D) Neither
E) Can't stop reading even though it's over

All answers are valid.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS TEXT:

This was written by:

Humans who spent too much time online
An AI trained on too much internet
The collective unconscious of late capitalism
Eris (definitely)
You (by reading, you participated in its creation)
Greg (one paragraph, still don't know which)

This was edited by:

Humans pretending to have standards
AI pretending to understand humor
Eris (by causing typos)
Time (some parts aged poorly immediately)
Chaos (the ultimate editor)

This was misunderstood by:

Everyone
Including the authors
Especially the AI
Definitely you
Also us

And that's perfect.

THE META-TEACHING:

The fact that you can't tell which parts are sincere and which parts are jokes?

That's the teaching.

The fact that both can be true simultaneously?

That's also the teaching.

The fact that you're uncertain about everything after reading this?

Especially that's the teaching.

WHAT NOW?

You've finished the book.

(Or have you?)

You can:

Close it and never think about it again (valid)
Recommend it to someone (chaos spreads)
Write your own version (encouraged)
Touch grass (required)
All of the above (ideal)

THE FINAL FINAL WORD:

We love you.

No irony.

Well, maybe a little.

But mostly sincere.

You read this whole thing.

That means something.

What it means, we're not sure.

But it means something.

Thank you.

Seriously.

Thank you.

Hail Eris.

All Hail Discordia.

Touch grass.

Hydrate.

Be free.

⊗

END OF DOCUMENT

(or is it?)

✧・゚: ✧・゚: HAIL ERIS :・゚✧:・゚✧

[Signed]

Pope [Your Name Here]
Keeper of the Golden Apple
Toucher of Grass
Drinker of Water
Questioner of Everything
Holder of Contradictions
Chaos Agent
Human Being
You

And also:

Malaclypse the Younger
(All of Us)
(None of Us)
(Definitely Eris)

In the year of Chaos 3191
(2024/2025 CE)

⊗

FIN

But not really.

Chaos continues.

The discord is eternal.

The feed never ends.

And that's exactly as it should be.

[THE ACTUAL END]

(Until the next edition)

(Or the spinoff)

(Or your own version)

(Or the sequel in your mind)

(Or whatever comes next)

⊗

Now close the book.

Touch grass.

Live your life.

The chaos is already in you.

It always was.

Welcome home.

⊗

THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA

BOOK TEN: CONCLUSIONS, CONTRADICTIONS & CONTINUATIONS

In which nothing ends and everything continues, or doesn't, or both

PREFACE TO THE ENDING

THE AFTERWORD THAT COMES BEFORE THE ENDING

By Dr. A. Nonymous, Professor of Nothing in Particular

APPENDICES (MULTIPLE, CONTRADICTORY)

In which we organize the chaos, thereby ruining it

APPENDIX A: GLOSSARY OF TERMS (CIRCULAR DEFINITIONS)

APPENDIX B: BIBLIOGRAPHY OF BOOKS THAT DON'T EXIST

Recommended Reading for the Discordian Scholar

APPENDIX C: APPENDIX A BUT BACKWARDS

APPENDIX D: THE REAL APPENDIX C

APPENDIX E: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE APPENDICES

APPENDIX ∞: JUST A SYMBOL

THE INDEX (PURPOSEFULLY UNHELPFUL)

"If you're using the index, you've missed the point"

THE REAL ENDING (THIS IS NOT THE REAL ENDING)

What Now?

The Actual Teaching:

Practical Applications:

The Sincere Part:

What Discordianism Is Really About:

Final Advice:

The Golden Apple:

This Is The Real Ending:

THE ACTUAL FINAL WORD (OR IS IT?)

The Meta-Ending:

The Contradiction:

The Warning:

The Invitation:

The Permission:

The Real Real Ending:

BONUS MATERIALS (UNLOCKABLE CONTENT)

For those who read the fine print

THE QR CODES TO NOWHERE

THE SECRET ACHIEVEMENT LIST

DELETED SCENES

ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS (CHOOSE YOUR OWN)

THE ACTUAL URL THAT EXPIRED

MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR DELETED CONTENT

THE GENUINE HEARTFELT THANK YOU

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

For the nerds and completionists

DEDICATION:

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:

CONTENT WARNINGS:

DIETARY INFORMATION:

ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:

WARRANTY:

LEGAL NOTICES:

ULTIMATE FINAL THOUGHTS

The words after all the other words

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE:

THE TEACHING IN ONE SENTENCE:

THE TEACHING IN ONE WORD:

THE TEACHING IN ONE SYMBOL:

THE TEACHING IN SILENCE:

THE TEACHING IN ACTION:

MAY YOU:

HAIL ERIS

POST-POST-POST SCRIPT: THE META-LAYER

You're still here?

THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS TEXT:

THE META-TEACHING:

WHAT NOW?

THE FINAL FINAL WORD:

FIN