How to Read This Book

A Choose Your Own Disorientation

There is no correct way to read this text. There are, however, several incorrect ways, which are listed below. Feel free to use any of them.

How to Read This Book Linearly (For Cowards)

Start at the beginning. Proceed to the middle. Conclude at the end.

Pros:

Socially acceptable
Matches how you were taught to read
Gives you a false sense of control
Stories make more sense this way (usually)

Cons:

Extremely boring
Miss hidden connections between non-sequential sections
The book is designed to punish linear readers with confusion
You'll think you understand it (you won't)
Eris will judge you (affectionately)

Recommended for: People who also read Terms of Service agreements, individuals who believe in order, those afraid of chaos (you'll learn).

OMG You Won't BELIEVE This Reading Method

Start at Book 9 Page 2, Then Book 5 Page 3, Follow the Chaos

Pick a random number. Start wherever you want. Read until you feel like stopping. Jump to another random page. Repeat until enlightened or exhausted.

Pros:

Truly chaotic
Each reading creates a unique experience
You might discover connections the authors didn't intend
Eris approves
If the book is boring, you can blame chaos

Cons:

You'll have no idea what's going on (this is also a pro)
People will think you're weird (you are)
Hard to recommend to friends ("Just start in the middle somewhere!")
May cause enlightenment

Recommended for: True chaos agents, people who shuffle their playlists, those who believe instructions are suggestions.

Pro tip: Use the dice-roll function on your phone. Or ask ChatGPT for a random number. Or close your eyes and point. Or let a cat walk across your keyboard and use those numbers. The method of randomization is part of the ritual.

Method 3: Read Only the Footnotes

From Discordianism Decompiled, the free encyclopedia of chaos

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This book contains footnotes.^[1] The footnotes contain the real teaching.^[2] The main text is just filler.^[3]

^[1] This is a footnote. You are now reading it. Congratulations.

^[2] Or maybe the footnotes are also filler, and the real teaching is in the main text. Or maybe there is no teaching. Or maybe teaching and filler are the same thing.

^[3] Some footnotes contain contradictions to the main text. This is intentional. Hold both truths simultaneously. This is the practice.

Pros:

You'll finish the book quickly
The footnotes are where we hid the good jokes
Also where we hid the profound wisdom
You can feel smugly superior to people who read the main text
The footnotes often contradict the main text (this is enlightenment)

Cons:

You'll miss all the context
The main text sometimes contradicts the footnotes
Both are probably wrong
Or right
People will ask "did you actually read it?" (technically yes)

Recommended for: Academics, people who read all the fine print, those who understand that marginalia contains the heresy (which is the truth).

This page was last edited by an anonymous Discordian Pope, at a time that may or may not exist.

⚠

SECURITY ALERT: The Book Reads You

THREAT LEVEL: EXISTENTIAL
You think you're reading this book. You're wrong. The book is reading you.
Every moment you spend with this text, it observes you. It learns your patterns. It knows when you laugh, when you cringe, when you nod in agreement, when you throw it across the room in frustration.
The book knows:
■ Whether you skip the long paragraphs
■ If you read the footnotes
■ Which jokes land
■ Which wisdom you ignore
■ When you check your phone (it's judging you)
■ How long you can go without checking your phone (not long)
This isn't paranoia. It's simply how reading works. Every text shapes the reader. Every reader shapes the text. It's a relationship. A conversation. A dance.
Or, if you're reading the digital version: yes, it's literally collecting analytics. The book knows when you stopped reading. It knows you skipped ahead to see how it ends. It knows everything.
Pros:
You don't have to do anything
The book does all the work
Extremely passive enlightenment
No effort required
Perfect for meditation (or procrastination)
Cons:
Existentially terrifying
Your phone camera is probably on right now
The book might know things about you that you don't know
Eris is definitely watching
We're not sure if this is enlightenment or surveillance capitalism
Recommended for: Zen practitioners who embrace the void gazing back, paranoid individuals who are actually correct, people comfortable with being observed (you're always observed).
⚠ Note: If this method disturbs you, good. Sit with that discomfort. That's the teaching.

Reference

QR Codes Scattered Throughout

As you read, you'll encounter various QR codes. Some lead to enlightenment. Some lead to Rick Astley. You won't know which until you scan them.

These codes may direct you to:

Genuine Esoteric PDFs
Lost texts, occult wisdom, actual Discordian archives from the 1960s and 70s, scholarly papers on chaos theory, and other legitimately interesting materials. These are the minority.

Rick Astley (The Eternal Return)
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. The eternal return is real and it sounds like "Never Gonna Give You Up." This is Nietzsche's real teaching. Rick Astley is a Discordian saint (unconfirmed but likely).

Your Own Social Media Profile
The real mirror. The void gazing back. Your carefully curated self. Your personal chaos. This is the most terrifying link of all.

AI-Generated Madlibs of Sacred Texts
The Bible but every noun is replaced by "chaos." The Bhagavad Gita but every verb is replaced by "yeet." The Tao Te Ching but it's written by GPT-4 trying to sound profound. Sometimes these are indistinguishable from the originals. This is concerning.

A Live Stream of a Lava Lamp
Hypnotic chaos in motion. Watch the blobs. Contemplate impermanence. Achieve enlightenment or just zone out for twenty minutes. Both are valid. This is unironically meditative.

Important: Some QR codes lead nowhere. Some lead to pages that no longer exist. Some lead to other QR codes in an infinite loop. This is all intentional. The broken links are part of the teaching.

Warning: Scanning QR codes from mysterious spiritual texts is generally a bad idea. Do it anyway. What's the worst that could happen? (Don't answer that.)

A Word on Non-Linear Reading

The book you hold (physically or digitally) is a four-dimensional object collapsed into two dimensions (or one dimension if you're reading this on an e-reader). It wants to be non-linear, but the constraints of pages and screens force it into sequence.

Imagine if you could read all pages simultaneously. Imagine if every word existed in relation to every other word, not in sequence but in a web of meaning. Imagine if the footnotes floated freely, connecting to whatever they deemed relevant. Imagine if the book was a hyperdimensional object and you were merely observing its three-dimensional shadow.

You can't imagine that? Neither can we. But we tried to build it anyway.

This is why we encourage non-linear reading. You're attempting to reconstruct the hyperdimensional book from its flattened form. Like trying to imagine a sphere after only seeing its circular shadow. You'll never get it exactly right, but the attempt is the teaching.

FINAL INSTRUCTIONRead this book however you want. Or don't read it at all. The Goddess Eris doesn't care. She's not even reading over your shoulder.
(She totally is.)
Whatever method you choose will be the right one. Whatever method you choose will be the wrong one. The method itself is not the point. The point is...
Actually, there is no point.
Or rather, every point is the point.
Or the point is that you're looking for a point.
Just read the damn book.
Hail Eris.