Hymns for the Algorithm Age

Playlist

Hymns for the Algorithm Age

To be sung off-key, in the shower, preferably with ironic reverence

Eris & The Discordians · 4 songs · ∞ min

Hail Eris, full of chaos,
The void is with thee.
Blessed art thou among goddesses,
And blessed is the fruit of thy discord, confusion.

Holy Eris, Mother of Chaos,
Pray for us memers,
Now and at the hour of our cringe.
Amen.

ALTERNATIVE VERSES

Hail Eris, full of mischief,
The algorithm is with thee.
Blessed art thou among influencers,
And blessed is the fruit of thy posting, engagement.

Holy Eris, Lady of Discord,
Pray for us scrollers,
Now and at the hour of our doom.
Amen.

Hail Eris, full of paradox,
The contradiction is with thee.
Blessed art thou among philosophers,
And blessed is the fruit of thy questioning, doubt.

Holy Eris, Keeper of Both/And,
Pray for us seekers,
Now and at the hour of our understanding (which is never).
Amen.

PERFORMANCE NOTES

• This hymn should be sung with complete sincerity
• Or complete irony
• Or both simultaneously
• The inability to tell which is the whole point
• Bonus points if you make eye contact with someone while singing
• Extra bonus points if they join in
• Ultra bonus points if neither of you are sure if you're joking

A mighty chaos is our goddess,
A bulwark never failing,
Our helper she amid the flood,
Of content unavailing.

For still our ancient foe,
Doth seek to make us scroll,
His craft and power are great,
And armed with notifications many,
On earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide,
Our posting would be ending,
Were not the right goddess on our side,
The one of Eris's sending.

Dost ask who that may be?
Chaos is her name, from age to age the same,
And she must win the battle.

And though this world with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for chaos willed,
Her truth to triumph through us.

The Prince of Order grim,
We tremble not for him,
His rage we can endure,
For lo, his doom is sure,
One golden apple throws him.

That word above all earthly powers,
No thanks to algorithms keeping,
The Goddess is present within the hours,
We spend awake or sleeping.

Let feeds and follows go,
This mortal life also,
The body they may kill,
But chaos triumphs still,
Her kingdom is forever.

CONGREGATIONAL NOTES

• This hymn is best sung in a minor key because everything is sad now
• Luther would be proud, or horrified, probably both
• Substitute "algorithm" for "devil" as needed
• The irony of making a Protestant hymn Discordian is not lost on us
• Neither is the chaos of Luther himself (have you read his writings? Chaotic)
• Sing loudly and off-key; harmonizing is too orderly

We shall be released,
We shall be released,
When this meeting could have been an email,
We shall be released.

We'll get our time back,
We'll get our time back,
From the calendars that consume our days,
We'll get our time back.

No more syncing up,
No more syncing up,
No more "let's take this offline" when it started offline,
No more syncing up.

We are on mute now,
We are on mute now,
And have been for the past fifteen minutes, sorry what?
We are on mute now.

Someone share your screen,
Someone share your screen,
Can you see it? No? How about now? Still no?
Someone share your screen.

The agenda's lost,
The agenda's lost,
We've been off topic for twenty minutes discussing lunch,
The agenda's lost.

We shall be released,
We shall be released,
When someone finally says "okay let's wrap this up,"
We shall be released.

PERFORMANCE INSTRUCTIONS

• Sing this in a minor key with deep soul
• Imagine you're singing for liberation, because you are
• The corporate captivity is real
• This is both parody and genuine protest
• The meeting really could have been an email
• We all know it
• We're all suffering together
• Collective liberation through song

BONUS TRACKS (For Advanced Sufferers)

The action items unclear,
The action items unclear,
We'll need another meeting to discuss what this meeting decided,
The action items unclear.

We'll circle back soon,
We'll circle back soon,
Which means never, we'll never circle back, it's gone,
We'll circle back soon.

Amazing chaos, how sweet the sound,
That saved a soul like me.
I once was ordered, but now I'm free,
Was rigid, but now I'm flexy.

'Twas chaos that taught my heart to doubt,
And chaos my fears relieved.
How precious did that chaos appear,
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come.
'Tis chaos has brought me safe thus far,
And chaos will lead me home.

When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright scrolling as the sun,
We've no less days to post our takes,
Than when we'd first begun.

THEOLOGICAL NOTES

• This hymn acknowledges that chaos saved us from the tyranny of order
• "Was rigid, but now I'm flexy" refers to mental flexibility, not yoga
• Actually, also yoga
• "Chaos will lead me home" — home being acceptance of disorder
• The final verse is about immortality via the cloud (our posts live forever)
• Also about the heat death of the universe
• Also about how time is fake
• Sing with genuine feeling; the melody is beautiful even if the words are weird

A Mighty Chaos Is Our Goddess

Martin Luther (Remix)