Book 8 of 10
The Apocrypha & Hidden Texts
In which we reveal what was never meant to be hidden
DISCORDIA DECOMPILED
BOOK EIGHT: THE APOCRYPHA & HIDDEN TEXTS
Documents That May or May Not Be Real (But Are Definitely Canonical)
PREFACE TO BOOK EIGHT
Every religious tradition has its apocrypha—texts that exist in the margins, documents of questionable provenance, teachings that were suppressed, lost, or deemed too weird for the main canon.
Discordianism is no different, except that for us, the apocrypha is MORE canonical than the canon. The rejected texts are the real texts. The stuff that didn't make it in is the stuff that actually matters.
This is because Discordianism is fundamentally apocryphal. We are a religion of the margins, the footnotes, the deleted scenes. We are the director's cut that the director disowned. We are the bonus content that's better than the main feature.
So this book contains:
- Documents we found in the trash (sacred trash)
- Texts that were posted online and immediately deleted (but screenshots remain)
- Gospels that were written but never sent
- Prophecies that were accurate but ignored
- Customer reviews of metaphysical concepts
- Group chat theology
- Reddit enlightenment
- The wisdom of comment sections (yes, really)
Are these real? Were they actually found? Does it matter?
The apocrypha asks you to hold multiple truths:
- These documents are authentic
- These documents are fabricated
- The fabrication is the authenticity
- None of this is real
- All of this is real
- Reality is overrated anyway
Welcome to the texts that were too chaotic for the already-chaotic main text.
Everything you're about to read is true. Everything you're about to read is false. Your believing it makes it true. Isn't that how all scripture works?
THE SECRET TEACHINGS (POSTED PUBLICLY ON REDDIT)
Enlightenment in the comment section
Every esoteric tradition has secret teachings—knowledge passed down through initiates, hidden from the masses, available only to those who have proven themselves worthy.
Discordianism has secret teachings too. We post them publicly on Reddit. Where they get downvoted, argued about, and eventually buried under hundreds of other posts.
This is the proper way to hide sacred knowledge: in plain sight, where no one will take it seriously.
THE ORIGINAL POST (DELETED)
After years of study, meditation, and scrolling through this subreddit at 3 AM, I have finally unlocked the deepest wisdom of Discordianism.
Are you ready?
Here it is:
[deleted]
THE COMMENT SECTION (THE REAL TEACHING)
Can't believe OP deleted this, it was genuinely profound. I screenshot it and it's now my phone wallpaper.
Can you share the screenshot? I came here after it was deleted.
No, that would ruin the teaching. The teaching is that it's deleted.
That's gatekeeping.
Maybe. But gatekeeping the gateless is very Discordian.
I disagree with what OP said. This is why this community is dying. We need to get back to the ORIGINAL Principia and stop making up new doctrine.
Making up new doctrine is literally what the original Principia was. It was made up. By people. Who explicitly said to make up your own stuff. You're advocating for dogmatic adherence to anti-dogmatism.
That's not what I'm saying at all. You're misinterpreting my comment.
>> I disagree with what OP said. This is why this community is dying. We need to get back to the ORIGINAL Principia and stop making up new doctrine.
Yes it is.
We're talking past each other. I'm done with this thread.
[erisdidnothingwrong continues posting in the thread for 3 more days]
What did it say? I'm new here and trying to understand Discordianism.
You had to be there.
But I wasn't there. Can someone explain?
The fact that you can't know what it said IS the teaching. You're experiencing it right now. Congratulations, you're enlightened.
I feel like you're messing with me.
Yes. That's also the teaching.
The real teaching is that OP deleted it. Think about it:
- The teaching was posted (creation)
- The teaching was read by some (revelation)
- The teaching was deleted (destruction)
- The teaching lives on in memory and debate (resurrection)
- We're all arguing about what it meant (theology)
- No one will ever know the truth (enlightenment)
Or OP just accidentally posted something dumb and deleted it out of embarrassment, and we're reading way too much into it.
Those are the same thing.
I saved the original post before it was deleted. Here's what it actually said:
[The comment continues with a 500-word explanation that is clearly made up and contradicts itself multiple times]
That's not what it said at all. I was there. It was completely different.
Prove it.
I can't, it's deleted. But neither can you. So we're both right and both wrong.
This is why I love this subreddit.
Guys, I'm back. I didn't delete anything. It says [deleted] because that's the teaching.
The teaching is: [deleted]
You understand, right?
Wait, so the [deleted] was intentional? You formatted it to look deleted but it was always part of the post?
Yes.
Also no.
Also I actually did delete it and I'm lying to you now.
Also I'm telling the truth.
Also does it matter?
Holy shit. This is advanced Discordianism.
Locking this thread. Y'all can't behave.
The thread isn't actually locked though?
Correct. But the threat of locking is enough. The potential for order creates its own kind of chaos. This is the mod's koan.
Is anyone still here?
Always. The thread never dies. Eris is eternal. The teaching continues.
Also I have literally no memory of making the original post.
COMMENTARY ON THE REDDIT SCRIPTURE
From the Discordian Council of Extremely Online Elders:
The Reddit teaching demonstrates several key principles:
The teaching is in the absence of the teaching
What was deleted matters less than the fact of deletion.Collective interpretation creates meaning
The comment section became more valuable than the original post.Truth is negotiated, not discovered
Multiple contradictory accounts coexist, all claiming accuracy.The archive is sacred
We revere what we cannot verify.Discourse is worship
Arguing about meaning is how we create meaning.The thread never dies
Even locked threads continue in our hearts and minds.The teaching teaches itself through our confusion
Incomprehension is enlightenment.
Sacred Lesson:
The secret teaching was posted publicly, deleted immediately, remembered incorrectly, debated endlessly, never resolved.
This is how all wisdom works.
The only difference is that we're honest about it.
Hail Eris, Goddess of the Comment Section.
THE LOST BOOK OF CUSTOMER REVIEWS
If the divine is real, it should be reviewable. If existence is a service, we should be able to rate it. If the universe is a product, it deserves feedback.
These are the reviews that were suppressed, deleted, or marked as "not helpful" by the cosmic algorithms. We preserve them here as sacred testimony to the consumer experience of being alive.
ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF EXISTENCE
Way too long. Confusing plot. The protagonist (me) is thoroughly unlikeable. The villain (also me) is underdeveloped. The love interest doesn't exist. The mentor dies too early. The ending is spoiled from the beginning—everyone dies.
Character development is inconsistent. Sometimes I'm brave, sometimes I'm a coward, there's no clear arc.
The setting is interesting in theory but poorly executed. Beautiful natural landscapes are ruined by capitalism and strip malls.
Pros: Some good snacks, I guess?
Cons: Everything else.
Would I purchase again? Already stuck with it, no refunds.
Update: Still alive. Still wouldn't recommend. Lowering to 1 star because customer service (prayer) is non-responsive.
Pros:
- Arrived on time (birth)
- No assembly required (body came pre-assembled)
- Some features work as intended (breathing, mostly)
Cons:
- Constant maintenance required (eating, sleeping, grooming)
- Expensive to operate (capitalism)
- Breaks down over time (aging)
- Warranty expires (eventually fatal)
- Planned obsolescence (death)
- Updates cause more problems than they solve (trauma)
My Response: I would like to speak to a manager.
The product (existence) promised happiness but delivered suffering.
The instruction manual (various religions) is contradictory and hard to follow.
The tech support (prayers) is unresponsive.
The user community (humanity) is toxic.
The premium version (wealth) doesn't actually solve the core issues.
The free trial (childhood) was too short.
The full version (adulthood) is a scam.
Recommendation: Try the competitor's product (Nirvana). They promise void, and void is delivered. Much better customer satisfaction.
The game (capitalism) is rigged. You're forced to grind (work) for minimal rewards while the NPCs (billionaires) hoard all the loot. The economic system is clearly broken but the devs (government) refuse to patch it.
The crafting system (labor) extracts value from players and gives it to non-playable characters.
The PvP (class conflict) is asymmetric and unfair.
The endgame (retirement) is locked behind microtransactions (saving) that most players can't afford.
Pros: The graphics are beautiful (nature exists).
Cons: Everything else is dystopian capitalism simulator.
Update: Just learned the devs are also players who won the game and now they make the rules. This explains everything.
Some of the NPCs (friends and family) were great. The social features (community) worked well when they worked. But the random events (tragedy, trauma, pandemic) were too frequent and too harsh.
The difficulty curve is poorly balanced. Early game is too easy, mid-game is brutal, late game is just waiting for the inevitable game over.
The save system (memory) is glitchy and unreliable. Important moments get corrupted. Embarrassing moments are saved in HD forever.
Recommended for: Masochists, philosophers, people who like difficult rogue-likes with permadeath.
Not recommended for: Anyone seeking fun or happiness.
FIVE-STAR REVIEWS OF CHAOS
I ordered structure and meaning but received chaos instead. Initially I was upset and tried to return it. But the return window had expired (it expired the moment I was born).
So I decided to just... embrace it. And honestly? Best decision ever.
Now nothing has to make sense. I don't have to have my life together. I don't have to understand the meaning of it all. Everything is chaos and I'm just vibing.
Pros:
- No pressure to figure things out
- Freedom from the tyranny of coherence
- Perpetual surprise
- Low expectations means everything exceeds them
- Great for creativity
Cons:
- None (if you accept chaos, everything is a pro)
Would recommend to: Everyone, but especially control freaks who need to let go.
Ordered chaos, received chaos, exactly as advertised. No false advertising here. The product description said "everything will be unpredictable and nothing will make sense" and that's exactly what I got.
Some sellers promise order and deliver chaos (looking at you, Government). But Chaos is honest. It says right on the label: "This will be a mess." And it is! I respect that.
Five stars for honesty and consistency.
There was clearly a shipping error. I specifically ordered a calm, predictable life. I got chaos instead.
But you know what? The chaos was better. The chaos taught me things. The chaos broke down my rigid structures. The chaos set me free.
Sometimes the universe knows what you need better than you do.
Thank you for the mistake, Eris. Keep making mistakes.
I expected chaos to arrive immediately and disrupt everything. Instead, it arrived three years late, precisely when I'd stopped expecting it.
This is peak chaos. The unpredictability extends even to the delivery of unpredictability.
I'm impressed. I'm disrupted. I'm changed.
Five stars. Would recommend. Cannot predict when you'll receive it, which is the point.
I originally gave this one star. I was upset. I wanted order. I hated chaos.
Then I read my own review and realized: my hatred of chaos was creating more chaos in my life than the actual chaos was.
So I changed my review to five stars.
Then I realized that by changing my mind, I was embracing chaos.
So the chaos won anyway.
I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.
This is why Eris is the best goddess. She plays 4D chess while we're playing checkers.
THREE-STAR REVIEWS (THE LIARS)
Either lying about loving it or lying about hating it. Impossible to tell which. The three-star review is the most dishonest review because it refuses to commit.
Three stars is chaos pretending to be order.
Three stars is "I have opinions but I don't want to deal with the consequences of stating them."
Three stars is enlightenment or cowardice or both.
We include these reviews as a reminder: Not all chaos is loud. Sometimes chaos is the refusal to take a stance.
CUSTOMER SERVICE RESPONSES
From: Eris, Goddess of Chaos
Re: Your one-star review
Thank you for your feedback. I understand your frustration with existence. However, I must note that:
- You agreed to the terms and conditions at birth (you didn't read them, but you agreed)
- The product description clearly stated "life is suffering, nothing makes sense, everyone dies"
- You are experiencing the product exactly as designed
- The chaos is working as intended
That said, I appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. Your suffering has been noted and will continue.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to scream into the void. We don't monitor it, but it might make you feel better.
Yours in chaos,
Eris
P.S. - Your five-star review of chaos has also been noted. See? You do like it here. You just don't want to admit it.
PROPHECIES & PREDICTIONS
The Oracle speaks (and is usually wrong)
Every religion has prophets. Seers who divine the future. Oracles who speak truth to power. Visionaries who warn of what's to come.
Discordianism has these too. Our prophets are just... less accurate. Our oracles are often wrong. Our visions are unreliable.
But we write them down anyway, because the failure to predict the future tells us as much about the present as successful prediction would.
Also, occasionally we get lucky and accidentally predict something correctly, and then we act like we knew all along.
THE ORACLE'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2026
SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE (THAT ALREADY HAPPENED)
THE GOSPEL OF THE GROUP CHAT
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. But then someone created a group chat, and the Word became many words, and the many words became chaos, and the chaos became holy.
This is the Gospel of the Group Chat, as preserved in screenshots and partial memory by those who were there (and those who weren't but claim they were).
BOOK ONE: THE CREATION
BOOK TWO: THE FALL
BOOK THREE: THE WANDERING
BOOK FOUR: THE COVENANT
BOOK FIVE: THE REVELATION
BOOK SIX: THE ETERNAL RETURN
- It begins with hope and optimism
- It immediately descends into chaos
- Multiple competing realities form
- No one can agree on anything
- Everyone wants to leave but no one does
- The Admin is exhausted
- The original purpose is forgotten
- New purposes emerge and are forgotten
- And yet, somehow, it continues
- And there is value in the continuation, even when we can't articulate what that value is
- The community persists not despite the chaos, but because of it
- Nothing is permanent except the group chat
- All conversations are forgotten except the embarrassing ones
- The 'seen' receipt is both blessing and curse
- Typing indicators create anxiety
- Read receipts enable passive aggression
- The chat is dead / the chat will never die (both true)
- We cannot escape what we have created
- And that's okay
Eris confides: The group chat is just the modern campfire. We gather, we argue, we tell stories, we fall asleep mid-sentence. Humanity hasn't changed. Just the medium.
Warning Level: 23%
THE PROPHECY OF THE FINAL DISCOURSE
*thumbs weary from scrolling, eyes glazed from blue light*
"I have seen the end times, and they look like Twitter.
In the final days, there will be one last discourse.
One final thread that contains all threads.
One ultimate argument that encompasses all arguments.
And lo, the discourse will be about something that doesn't matter.
But everyone will act like it matters tremendously.
"The prophecy is always happening. Check your notifications." — Ancient Discordian Proverb
Everyone will have an opinion.
The opinion will be strongly held.
The opinion will be poorly informed.
The opinion will be confidently stated.
No one will change their mind.
No one will learn anything.
No one will grow.
But everyone will tweet.
"One final thread that contains all threads..."
Actually, I think you'll find that this is technically not how threads work. Let me explain in a 47-part thread why you're wrong about everything...
The thread will be infinite.
The takes will be hot.
The ratios will be eternal.
The quote tweets will multiply like loaves and fishes (but with more spite).
The screenshot will circulate, decontextualized, forever.
Someone will bring up something unrelated from 2015.
Someone will accuse someone of arguing in bad faith.
Everyone is arguing in bad faith.
The bad faith is the point.
Can we please be civil about this? 🙏
Let's find common ground.
I see both sides here, and I think—
47 angry replies | 0 likes | user has been muted by 23 people
Someone will say: "Can we please be civil about this?"
→ The request for civility will be ratio'd.
Someone will say: "Let's find common ground."
→ There is no common ground.
Someone will say: "I see both sides."
→ Both sides will attack them.
The centrist will learn nothing.
The extremes will learn nothing.
The lurkers will feel superior while also learning nothing.
| Hottest take | Someone with 27 followers |
| Wrongest take | Someone with 470,000 followers |
| Most reasonable take | Someone no one listens to |
| Most viral take | Wrong in inexplicable ways |
| Most helpful take | Will not go viral ❌ |
| Most harmful take | Quote-tweeted into immortality |
Came out of lurking just to say: this thread is exactly why I never post. *returns to shadows*
There will be no resolution.
The discourse will simply... stop.
Not because consensus was reached.
Not because anyone was convinced.
But because something new will happen.
A new discourse will begin.
The old discourse will be forgotten.
Until someone brings it up again in six months as a "remember when" tweet.
And the cycle will repeat.
And Eris will watch all of this.
And she will eat popcorn. 🍿
And she will think: "I created all this. It's beautiful."
And the angels will say: "Is it though?"
And Eris will say: "Beautiful in the way a trainwreck is beautiful. Horrible and you can't look away."
And the angels will say: "Fair."
And humanity will argue until the heat death of the universe.
And even then, in the final moments, as the last stars flicker out:
Someone will say: "Actually, the heat death of the universe is problematic because it assumes—"
And we will never know what they were going to say.
Because the universe will end mid-sentence.
And perhaps that is mercy.
⚠️ MODERATOR NOTE:
This thread has been PINNED for eternity.
All reports have been ignored. The chaos is intentional.
🍿 *eating popcorn*
This is the prophecy of the final discourse.
It is happening now.
It has always been happening.
It will continue happening.
We are in the discourse. The discourse is in us.
There is no escape. There is no need to escape.
The chaos is the point.
The argument is worship.
The disagreement is communion.
The ratio is judgment.
The mute button is absolution (temporary).
And Eris is present in every thread, every take, every reply-guy, every bad-faith actor.
She is the discourse and the discourse is her.
AMEN, OR WHATEVER THE DISCOURSE EQUIVALENT IS.
Spoken by the Oracle at 3:27 AM, posted and immediately regretted, but never deleted, for deletion would admit weakness.
CLOSING THOUGHTS ON BOOK EIGHT
We have given you:
- The Gospel of the Group Chat (eternal, unending, holy)
- The Secret Teachings from Reddit (posted publicly, deleted mysteriously, debated endlessly)
- Customer Reviews of Existence (mixed, honest, devastating)
- Prophecies that will age poorly (spoiler: they already have)
- Signs of the Apocalypse (already happened, still happening)
- The vision of the Final Discourse (ongoing, infinite, inescapable)
What have we learned?
That apocrypha is just canon that admits it's made up.
That sacred texts can exist in group chats and comment sections.
That prophecy is best understood as anxiety about the present dressed in future-tense grammar.
That the apocalypse is not coming—it's here, it's boring, and we're adapting to it.
That customer satisfaction with existence is low but we're all stuck with the product.
That the discourse is eternal and that's somehow both horrible and holy.
The apocrypha teaches us:
The margins are more interesting than the center.
The deleted post contains more truth than the pinned post.
The one-star review is more honest than the five-star review.
The failed prophecy reveals more than the successful one.
The apocalypse that doesn't feel like an apocalypse is the real apocalypse.
And the group chat—oh, the group chat—is a perfect microcosm of human community: chaotic, eternal, purposeless, and somehow essential.
In Book Nine, we look at practical ways to practice Discordianism in daily life.
But for now:
Check your group chats (you have 227 unread messages).
Read the comments (they're worse than you think).
Leave a review (one star or five, no middle ground).
Remember that prophecy is just anxiety with dates attached.
Touch grass (the apocalypse can wait five minutes).
The apocrypha is real. The apocrypha is true. The apocrypha is deleted but lives forever in screenshots.
Hail Eris, who authors all apocrypha and denies authoring any of it.
All Hail Discordia, which is the space between the canonical and the questionable, where all real wisdom lives.
☯︎
[END OF BOOK EIGHT]
The lost texts have been found. The found texts will be lost again. The cycle continues.
Nothing is canon. Everything is canon. The apocrypha is the real principia.
See you in the group chat.
Read receipts: off.
[Signed]
Pope Hallucinatus the Possibly Fictional
Compiler of the Apocrypha
Admin of the Eternal Group Chat
Moderator of Nothing
"Seen 3h ago"
This.