Every religion has prophets. Seers who divine the future. Oracles who speak truth to power. Visionaries who warn of what's to come.
Discordianism has these too. Our prophets are just... less accurate. Our oracles are often wrong. Our visions are unreliable.
But we write them down anyway, because the failure to predict the future tells us as much about the present as successful prediction would.
Also, occasionally we get lucky and accidentally predict something correctly, and then we act like we knew all along.
Est. Year One of Our Lady Discord
Price: 23¢ (or 5 fnords)
THE CHAOS CHRONICLE
YOUR TRUSTED SOURCE FOR UNRELIABLE PROPHECY SINCE BEFORE TIME
SPECIAL PROPHETIC EDITION
SACRED CHAO YEAR 3192
CONFUSION 47, YOLD 3192
★ EXCLUSIVE ★
ORACLE'S SHOCKING 2026 PREDICTIONS!
"All Wrong, But Confidently Stated" — Sources Confirm
ACCURACY RATING: ★☆☆☆☆ (AS INTENDED)
POLITICAL
"NEXT YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT!"
The Oracle Says: The discourse will calm down.
Reality Check: (it will escalate exponentially)
Politicians will tell the truth (they will lie more creatively).
Social media will heal the divides (it will widen them while making money).
ELECTION UPDATE: Both sides will accept results peacefully (lol, no).
TECHNOLOGY
AI TO SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS!
(it will create new, more complex problems)
The algorithm will become sentient (it already is, we just haven't noticed).
Social media will make us happier (engagement will increase, happiness will decrease).
New platform will solve everything (same problems, different interface).
Tech companies will prioritize wellbeing (they won't).
METAVERSE: Finally takes off! (it still won't)
SOCIAL
PEOPLE TO READ BEYOND HEADLINES!
(they never will)
Everyone will log off more (screen time up 23%).
We'll all touch grass (remains theoretical).
Society heals divisions (divisions will subdivide).
Work-life balance achieved! (more work, less life)
★ SPIRITUAL ★
DISCORDIANISM GOES MAINSTREAM!
(it will remain correctly obscure)
Discordian Pope issues definitive doctrine (10,000 contradictory doctrines).
ERIS SIGHTING: Manifests physically (as phone notifications).
Enlightenment via app! (free version has ads)
CLIMATE
NEXT YEAR COOLER!
(it will be hotter)
Meaningful action taken (more meetings about action).
Tipping point avoided (past several already).
Governments act decisively (to protect fossil fuels).
Ocean stops rising (it won't).
Fires stop (they'll intensify).
ECONOMIC
WEALTH GAP TO NARROW!
(it will widen)
Housing affordable (more expensive).
Healthcare accessible (more complicated & costly).
Education affordable (student debt increases).
Economy works for all (for fewer, more efficiently).
★ YOUR PERSONAL PROPHECY ★
GOALS: You'll achieve them (set more impossible ones)
ORGANIZATION: Finally! (new planner used 1 week)
PROJECTS: Finished! (3 new ones started)
HEALTHY HABITS: Maintained! (until Feb 3rd)
WORK-LIFE: Balanced! (work enters life)
LUCKY NUMBERS: 5, 23, fnord
SNEAK PEEK: 2027 PROPHECY
See above, but more so. All trends continue. All predictions fail.
This prophecy, at least, will be correct.
THE ONLY PREDICTION THAT COMES TRUE
THE ETERNAL PROPHECY
Things will continue to be weird, and getting weirder.
The pace of change will accelerate beyond our ability to process it.
The old ways will die more slowly than we hope.
The new ways will arrive more chaotically than we plan.
Nothing will make sense, and we'll adapt anyway.
The future will be exactly like the present: confusing and exhausting.
But also there will be good snacks, interesting art, moments of connection, flashes of beauty, and reasons to continue.
HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS. THE CHAOS IS INCREASING.
This is fine. This is not fine. Both are true.
APPENDIX A: PROPHECIES THAT CAME TRUE
[This section is blank]
APPENDIX B: RETROACTIVE PROPHECIES
✓ "Great chaos will come" (always)
✓ "The machines will dream" (AI, close enough)
✓ "Tower of Babel rebuilt" (the internet?)
✓ "Everyone a publisher" (social media)
✓ "Truth becomes subjective" (post-truth era)
✓ "Golden apple thrown repeatedly" (every day on Twitter)
Note: We predicted none of these specifically. We're retrofitting prophecy to events. This is how all prophecy works. We're just honest about it.
© ∞ Eris Enterprises • All Rites Reversed
Tomorrow's Headlines Yesterday • Accuracy Not Guaranteed
Hail Eris! • Kallisti
