The Lost Book of Customer Reviews

Way too long. Confusing plot. The protagonist (me) is thoroughly unlikeable. The villain (also me) is underdeveloped. The love interest doesn't exist. The mentor dies too early. The ending is spoiled from the beginning—everyone dies.

Character development is inconsistent. Sometimes I'm brave, sometimes I'm a coward, there's no clear arc.

The setting is interesting in theory but poorly executed. Beautiful natural landscapes are ruined by capitalism and strip malls.

Pros: Some good snacks, I guess?

Cons: Everything else.

Would I purchase again? Already stuck with it, no refunds.

Update: Still alive. Still wouldn't recommend. Lowering to 1 star because customer service (prayer) is non-responsive.

Pros:

• Arrived on time (birth)
• No assembly required (body came pre-assembled)
• Some features work as intended (breathing, mostly)

Cons:

• Constant maintenance required (eating, sleeping, grooming)
• Expensive to operate (capitalism)
• Breaks down over time (aging)
• Warranty expires (eventually fatal)
• Planned obsolescence (death)
• Updates cause more problems than they solve (trauma)

The product (existence) promised happiness but delivered suffering.

The instruction manual (various religions) is contradictory and hard to follow.

The tech support (prayers) is unresponsive.

The user community (humanity) is toxic.

The premium version (wealth) doesn't actually solve the core issues.

The free trial (childhood) was too short.

The full version (adulthood) is a scam.

Recommendation: Try the competitor's product (Nirvana). They promise void, and void is delivered. Much better customer satisfaction.

The game (capitalism) is rigged. You're forced to grind (work) for minimal rewards while the NPCs (billionaires) hoard all the loot. The economic system is clearly broken but the devs (government) refuse to patch it.

The crafting system (labor) extracts value from players and gives it to non-playable characters.

The PvP (class conflict) is asymmetric and unfair.

The endgame (retirement) is locked behind microtransactions (saving) that most players can't afford.

Pros: The graphics are beautiful (nature exists).

Cons: Everything else is dystopian capitalism simulator.

Update: Just learned the devs are also players who won the game and now they make the rules. This explains everything.

Some of the NPCs (friends and family) were great. The social features (community) worked well when they worked. But the random events (tragedy, trauma, pandemic) were too frequent and too harsh.

The difficulty curve is poorly balanced. Early game is too easy, mid-game is brutal, late game is just waiting for the inevitable game over.

The save system (memory) is glitchy and unreliable. Important moments get corrupted. Embarrassing moments are saved in HD forever.

Recommended for: Masochists, philosophers, people who like difficult rogue-likes with permadeath.

Not recommended for: Anyone seeking fun or happiness.

I ordered structure and meaning but received chaos instead. Initially I was upset and tried to return it. But the return window had expired (it expired the moment I was born).

So I decided to just... embrace it. And honestly? Best decision ever.

Now nothing has to make sense. I don't have to have my life together. I don't have to understand the meaning of it all. Everything is chaos and I'm just vibing.

Pros:

• No pressure to figure things out
• Freedom from the tyranny of coherence
• Perpetual surprise
• Low expectations means everything exceeds them
• Great for creativity

Cons:

• None (if you accept chaos, everything is a pro)

Would recommend to: Everyone, but especially control freaks who need to let go.

Ordered chaos, received chaos, exactly as advertised. No false advertising here. The product description said "everything will be unpredictable and nothing will make sense" and that's exactly what I got.

Some sellers promise order and deliver chaos (looking at you, Government). But Chaos is honest. It says right on the label: "This will be a mess." And it is! I respect that.

Five stars for honesty and consistency.

There was clearly a shipping error. I specifically ordered a calm, predictable life. I got chaos instead.

But you know what? The chaos was better. The chaos taught me things. The chaos broke down my rigid structures. The chaos set me free.

Sometimes the universe knows what you need better than you do.

Thank you for the mistake, Eris. Keep making mistakes.

I expected chaos to arrive immediately and disrupt everything. Instead, it arrived three years late, precisely when I'd stopped expecting it.

This is peak chaos. The unpredictability extends even to the delivery of unpredictability.

I'm impressed. I'm disrupted. I'm changed.

Five stars. Would recommend. Cannot predict when you'll receive it, which is the point.

I originally gave this one star. I was upset. I wanted order. I hated chaos.

Then I read my own review and realized: my hatred of chaos was creating more chaos in my life than the actual chaos was.

So I changed my review to five stars.

Then I realized that by changing my mind, I was embracing chaos.

So the chaos won anyway.

I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.

This is why Eris is the best goddess. She plays 4D chess while we're playing checkers.

Either lying about loving it or lying about hating it. Impossible to tell which. The three-star review is the most dishonest review because it refuses to commit.

Three stars is chaos pretending to be order.

Three stars is "I have opinions but I don't want to deal with the consequences of stating them."

Three stars is enlightenment or cowardice or both.

We include these reviews as a reminder: Not all chaos is loud. Sometimes chaos is the refusal to take a stance.