Discordianism Decompiled · Book Eight · Chapter 6 of 8
The Gospel of the Group Chat
THE GOSPEL OF THE GROUP CHAT
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Chat Room: Squad — The Sacred Text of Digital Community
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. But then someone created a group chat, and the Word became many words, and the many words became chaos, and the chaos became holy.
This is the Gospel of the Group Chat, as preserved in screenshots and partial memory by those who were there (and those who weren't but claim they were).
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. But then someone created a group chat, and the Word became many words, and the many words became chaos, and the chaos became holy.
This is the Gospel of the Group Chat, as preserved in screenshots and partial memory by those who were there (and those who weren't but claim they were).
─── BOOK ONE: THE CREATION ───
BOOK ONE: THE CREATION
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Squad". ***
OnlineHost: In the beginning, there was silence.
OnlineHost: And the silence was uncomfortable, for humans cannot abide silence, especially digital silence.
sk8rBoi2004: we should make a group chat
EmailLover99: do we need a group chat? we already have email
sk8rBoi2004: email is for old people lol
OnlineHost: *** Chat room "Squad" has been created (for no one had any better ideas). ***
OnlineHost: *** xXx_Eris_xXx has entered the room. *** 🚪
OnlineHost: And Eris saw the group chat, and she saw that it was good (for chaos).
xXx_Eris_xXx: let there be discourse ;-)
OnlineHost: And there was discourse, and it was unhinged.
sk8rBoi2004: hey
CoolGurl03: hey
PartyPlannerXD: we should do something
OnlineHost: And nothing was ever done, but the chat continued.
OnlineHost: And there was evening (when messages slowed) and morning (when messages resumed), the first day.
─── BOOK TWO: THE FALL ───
BOOK TWO: THE FALL
OnlineHost: And the group chat was peaceful for a time (three days).
PizzaIsLife99: guys... pineapple on pizza is actually good
OnlineHost: And immediately, there was division.
PizzaIsLife99: it is good and valid!!
NoFruitOnPizza: THIS IS AN ABOMINATION
ChillVibes420: can we not argue about this?
OnlineHost: (They were ignored.)
kiwi_chaos_lol: i put kiwi on pizza :-P
OnlineHost: *** kiwi_chaos_lol has been kicked from the room. ***
OnlineHost: And the arguing continued for forty messages and forty GIFs.
NoFruitOnPizza: i'm leaving this group
OnlineHost: And they did not leave, for no one ever leaves the group chat.
ChillVibes420: can we change the subject plz
OnlineHost: And they could not change the subject, for the discourse had taken on a life of its own.
OnlineHost: *** Thus began the First Schism. ***
PizzaIsLife99: ok fine i made a new chat. its called "Squad but Better"
OnlineHost: And half the members joined the new group.
OnlineHost: And both groups continued the same arguments.
xXx_Eris_xXx: LMAOOO the golden apple has been thrown and it was a PINEAPPLE 🍍
OnlineHost: And there was evening (regret) and morning (renewed arguing), the second day.
─── BOOK THREE: THE WANDERING ───
BOOK THREE: THE WANDERING
OnlineHost: And the group chat multiplied. For every minor disagreement, a new chat was created.
OnlineHost: There was "Squad," "Squad but Better," "Real Squad," "Squad (No Drama)," "THE ACTUAL SQUAD," and "squad lowercase for aesthetic reasons."
CoolGurl03: wait which chat is this one
PartyPlannerXD: i posted bday stuff in the wrong chat again sry
OnlineHost: Important announcements were posted in the wrong chat. Happy birthdays were wished in chats where the birthday-haver was not present. Plans were made and immediately forgotten.
CoolGurl03: we should just have ONE chat
OnlineHost: And everyone agreed.
sk8rBoi2004: ok i made a new one. its called "FINAL SQUAD (ACTUAL)"
OnlineHost: And the cycle continued.
OnlineHost: And the old chats were not deleted, for to delete a group chat is to delete history, and no one has that kind of authority.
OnlineHost: And the muted chats accumulated, thousands of unread messages, a digital graveyard of abandoned conversations.
xXx_Eris_xXx: the multiplication of chats is GOOD. maximum confusion = maximum beauty ;-)
OnlineHost: And there was evening (phone at 1% battery) and morning (27 unread chats), the third day.
─── BOOK FOUR: THE COVENANT ───
BOOK FOUR: THE COVENANT
OnlineHost: And the Admin grew weary. For they alone had the power to add members, remove members, and change the chat name.
OnlineHost: And with great power came great annoyance.
SquadAdmin04: I am leaving this group.
OnlineHost: And the people panicked, for without the Admin, who would add new people? Who would remove the bots? Who would change the name when it got weird?
CoolGurl03: NOOO please stay!!!
PartyPlannerXD: please stay, for you are our Admin
sk8rBoi2004: brb crying
SquadAdmin04: Fine. But I'm muting this chat.
OnlineHost: *** SquadAdmin04 has muted the chat. ***
OnlineHost: And for a time, there was peace (for the Admin).
OnlineHost: But the chat continued, messages flowing like water, unstoppable, eternal.
OnlineHost: *** SquadAdmin04 has unmuted the chat. ***
SquadAdmin04: ...what did i miss
OnlineHost: And they immediately regretted it.
OnlineHost: *** SquadAdmin04 has muted the chat. ***
OnlineHost: And this cycle repeated until the heat death of the universe.
xXx_Eris_xXx: you have done well, Admin. bearing the burden of power in a powerless situation. i bless u :-*
SquadAdmin04: 😐
OnlineHost: And there was evening (exhaustion) and morning (more messages), the fourth day.
─── BOOK FIVE: THE REVELATION ───
BOOK FIVE: THE REVELATION
LurkMaster3000: guys. this chat was created five years ago
CoolGurl03: wait WHAT
PartyPlannerXD: omg thats so long ago i cant even remember
sk8rBoi2004: why did we make this chat lol
OnlineHost: And no one knew.
CoolGurl03: we should look at the first messages
OnlineHost: And they scrolled up, and up, and up, through thousands of messages.
OnlineHost: And they reached the beginning.
OnlineHost: And the first message was: "hey"
LurkMaster3000: ...thats it?
OnlineHost: And the revelation was disappointing.
PartyPlannerXD: we should delete this chat and start fresh
OnlineHost: And everyone agreed that this was a good idea.
OnlineHost: And no one deleted the chat.
sk8rBoi2004: we should at least archive the old messages
OnlineHost: And no one archived the messages.
OnlineHost: And the chat continued, eternal, purposeless, holy.
xXx_Eris_xXx: ok listen up. i have something to say
xXx_Eris_xXx: The group chat is like the universe: it began for no reason, it continues for no reason, it will end for no reason (it will not end).
xXx_Eris_xXx: The messages are like prayers: sent into the void, mostly ignored, occasionally acknowledged with a reaction emoji.
xXx_Eris_xXx: The unread count is like karma: it accumulates endlessly, and you can never clear it all.
xXx_Eris_xXx: The 'someone is typing...' indicator is like hope: it appears, it disappears, it means nothing.
xXx_Eris_xXx: And the group chat is eternal, for even when the app is deleted, the chat exists on someone's phone, somewhere, still accumulating messages, forever.
OnlineHost: And the people understood, for they were in the chat, and the chat was in them, and they could not escape it even if they wanted to (they didn't want to) (they did want to) (it was complicated).
OnlineHost: And there was evening (last message at 3 AM) and morning (first message at 6 AM), the fifth day and all days after.
─── BOOK SIX: THE ETERNAL RETURN ───
BOOK SIX: THE ETERNAL RETURN
OnlineHost: And the cycle repeated.
PizzaIsLife99: hot take: [controversial opinion]
OnlineHost: The discourse began. Factions formed.
sk8rBoi2004: ok new chat who wants in
SquadAdmin04: i am so tired
ChillVibes420: can we just... not?
OnlineHost: No one ended it.
OnlineHost: And thus it was, and thus it shall be, forever and ever, amen.
xXx_Eris_xXx: the group chat is eternal
xXx_Eris_xXx: the group chat is all
xXx_Eris_xXx: we are the group chat
xXx_Eris_xXx: the group chat is us
xXx_Eris_xXx: there is no escape
xXx_Eris_xXx: there is no need to escape
xXx_Eris_xXx: the chaos is the point
xXx_Eris_xXx: Hail Eris, Queen of the Group Chat
xXx_Eris_xXx: All Hail Discordia, which is every group chat everywhere
xXx_Eris_xXx: ☯︎
OnlineHost: The Gospel of the Group Chat ends here, for the story has no ending.
OnlineHost: But the chat continues. Always.
(You have 227 unread messages.)
*** OnlineHost: CHAT ROOM INFORMATION ***
THE TEACHING OF THE GROUP CHAT
The group chat is a perfect microcosm of human existence:
- It begins with hope and optimism
- It immediately descends into chaos
- Multiple competing realities form
- No one can agree on anything
- Everyone wants to leave but no one does
- The Admin is exhausted
- The original purpose is forgotten
- New purposes emerge and are forgotten
- And yet, somehow, it continues
- And there is value in the continuation, even when we can't articulate what that value is
- The community persists not despite the chaos, but because of it
The group chat teaches us:
- Nothing is permanent except the group chat
- All conversations are forgotten except the embarrassing ones
- The 'seen' receipt is both blessing and curse
- Typing indicators create anxiety
- Read receipts enable passive aggression
- The chat is dead / the chat will never die (both true)
- We cannot escape what we have created
- And that's okay
Hail Eris, patron saint of unread messages.
xXx_Eris_xXx is typing...
People Here (11)
xXx_Eris_xXx
SquadAdmin04
sk8rBoi2004
CoolGurl03
PartyPlannerXD
PizzaIsLife99
NoFruitOnPizza
ChillVibes420
EmailLover99
LurkMaster3000
DiscordianPope
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Eris confides: The group chat is just the modern campfire. We gather, we argue, we tell stories, we fall asleep mid-sentence. Humanity hasn't changed. Just the medium.
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