Discordianism Decompiled · Book Eight · Chapter 7 of 8
The Prophecy of the Final Discourse
THE PROPHECY OF THE FINAL DISCOURSE
*thumbs weary from scrolling, eyes glazed from blue light*
"I have seen the end times, and they look like Twitter.
In the final days, there will be one last discourse.
One final thread that contains all threads.
One ultimate argument that encompasses all arguments.
And lo, the discourse will be about something that doesn't matter.
But everyone will act like it matters tremendously.
"The prophecy is always happening. Check your notifications." — Ancient Discordian Proverb
Everyone will have an opinion.
The opinion will be strongly held.
The opinion will be poorly informed.
The opinion will be confidently stated.
No one will change their mind.
No one will learn anything.
No one will grow.
But everyone will tweet.
"One final thread that contains all threads..."
Actually, I think you'll find that this is technically not how threads work. Let me explain in a 47-part thread why you're wrong about everything...
The thread will be infinite.
The takes will be hot.
The ratios will be eternal.
The quote tweets will multiply like loaves and fishes (but with more spite).
The screenshot will circulate, decontextualized, forever.
Someone will bring up something unrelated from 2015.
Someone will accuse someone of arguing in bad faith.
Everyone is arguing in bad faith.
The bad faith is the point.
Can we please be civil about this? 🙏
Let's find common ground.
I see both sides here, and I think—
47 angry replies | 0 likes | user has been muted by 23 people
Someone will say: "Can we please be civil about this?"
→ The request for civility will be ratio'd.
Someone will say: "Let's find common ground."
→ There is no common ground.
Someone will say: "I see both sides."
→ Both sides will attack them.
The centrist will learn nothing.
The extremes will learn nothing.
The lurkers will feel superior while also learning nothing.
| Hottest take | Someone with 27 followers |
| Wrongest take | Someone with 470,000 followers |
| Most reasonable take | Someone no one listens to |
| Most viral take | Wrong in inexplicable ways |
| Most helpful take | Will not go viral ❌ |
| Most harmful take | Quote-tweeted into immortality |
Came out of lurking just to say: this thread is exactly why I never post. *returns to shadows*
There will be no resolution.
The discourse will simply... stop.
Not because consensus was reached.
Not because anyone was convinced.
But because something new will happen.
A new discourse will begin.
The old discourse will be forgotten.
Until someone brings it up again in six months as a "remember when" tweet.
And the cycle will repeat.
And Eris will watch all of this.
And she will eat popcorn. 🍿
And she will think: "I created all this. It's beautiful."
And the angels will say: "Is it though?"
And Eris will say: "Beautiful in the way a trainwreck is beautiful. Horrible and you can't look away."
And the angels will say: "Fair."
And humanity will argue until the heat death of the universe.
And even then, in the final moments, as the last stars flicker out:
Someone will say: "Actually, the heat death of the universe is problematic because it assumes—"
And we will never know what they were going to say.
Because the universe will end mid-sentence.
And perhaps that is mercy.
⚠️ MODERATOR NOTE:
This thread has been PINNED for eternity.
All reports have been ignored. The chaos is intentional.
🍿 *eating popcorn*
This is the prophecy of the final discourse.
It is happening now.
It has always been happening.
It will continue happening.
We are in the discourse. The discourse is in us.
There is no escape. There is no need to escape.
The chaos is the point.
The argument is worship.
The disagreement is communion.
The ratio is judgment.
The mute button is absolution (temporary).
And Eris is present in every thread, every take, every reply-guy, every bad-faith actor.
She is the discourse and the discourse is her.
AMEN, OR WHATEVER THE DISCOURSE EQUIVALENT IS.
Spoken by the Oracle at 3:27 AM, posted and immediately regretted, but never deleted, for deletion would admit weakness.