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Discordianism Decompiled · Book Six · Chapter 2 of 8

Official Documents of the Discordian Temple

Authenticated, Notarized, Completely Meaningless

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OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS OF THE DISCORDIAN TEMPLE

Authenticated, Notarized, Completely Meaningless

APPROVED

The Discordian Temple

Office of Divine Bureaucracy • Interdimensional Affairs Division

MEMORANDUM

From: The Office of the Goddess
To: All Whom It May Concern (Everyone/No One)
Re: Everything and Nothing
Date: Yes
Priority: Unclear
Distribution: Everywhere and Nowhere
Classification: Unclassified / Top Secret / Both

The Goddess would like to remind all practitioners that:

  • The temple is everywhere and nowhere
  • Dues are not required (but chaos is expected)
  • Your membership began before you knew about us
  • There are no meetings, but you're late to all of them
  • The password is "what password?"
  • There is no password
  • The password changes constantly
  • The password is the question "what password?"

Official Temple Policies

  1. Attendance Policy: Mandatory non-attendance at all events that don't exist
  2. Dress Code: Whatever you're currently wearing (or not)
  3. Communication Protocol: Respond to all messages never/immediately/eventually
  4. Chain of Command: There is no chain. There is no command. There is only chaos.

Important Announcements

  • The Temple will be closed on all days that end in Y
  • The Temple is always open (metaphorically)
  • The Temple is always closed (literally)
  • Greg is banned from all Temple functions (Greg doesn't care)
  • Next all-hands meeting: The 32nd of Octember, 3:00 AM (all time zones simultaneously)

Regarding Recent Incidents

Someone has been organizing the chaos. This is unacceptable. Please stop being helpful. The disorder requires disorder, not order masquerading as disorder.

Also, whoever put up the "This Meeting Could Have Been An Email" poster in the void: well done. Eris herself approves.

Action Required

None. Do not respond to this memo. If you respond, you will receive a memo asking you not to respond to memos. This creates an infinite loop. This is intentional.

Questions?

Please direct all questions to the void.
The void will not respond, but neither will we.
The void has better response times, honestly.

CC: The Void, The Abyss, Karen from HR, Greg (despite the ban)

BCC: Everyone you've ever met, your FBI agent, Eris

FNORD: Yes

This memorandum supersedes all previous memoranda (including itself)

Please recycle this memo responsibly (by creating more chaos)

Complaints should be filed in the void

The void is located in Room 404

Room 404 does not exist

Perfect

I didn't write this.
— Greg

(Greg wrote this.)
M.C. Escher-style organizational chart where Eris appears at every level simultaneously, arrows point in impossible directions, some boxes contain other org charts in infinite recursion, Greg's box is slightly out of focus and positioned impossibly in the margin. The whole thing is beautifully drawn, officially formatted, completely nonsensical. Water flows upward in the company fountain visible in background.

Organization Directory

Discordian Temple • Heavenly Resources Portal

👤 You (All Selves)
HR Home › Organization › Directory & Structure

Position Descriptions

CCO

Eris

Chief Chaos Officer
Reports to: Herself, also no one
Responsibilities: All of them, none of them
KPIs: Unmeasurable, undefined, irrelevant
Performance reviews: Conducted by throwing dice
Salary: Chaos itself (non-transferable)
Benefits: Complete freedom, total disorder
Vacation days: Always on vacation, never on vacation
ALL

Everyone

All Positions
Reports to: Everyone else
Responsibilities: Everything
Authority level: Absolute and none
Decision-making power: Yes/No/Maybe
Required meetings: All of them (that don't exist)
∅

No One

Also All Positions
Reports to: The void
Responsibilities: Nothing (very important)
Authority level: Paradoxical
Note: The most important person in the organization
Recognition: Gets all the credit, all the blame, simultaneously
MGR

Chaos

Middle Management
Reports to: Itself in a loop
Manages: Everything by managing nothing
Communication style: Unclear, effective
Budget: Infinite/Zero
Departmental goals: Achieve confusion, measure nothing
⧖

You (Past/Present/Future)

All Levels
Reports to: Your other temporal selves
Creates: Time paradoxes regularly
Meetings: Attends meetings you haven't been to yet
Tasks: Completes tasks before they're assigned
Status: Confused about reporting structure (correct response)
???

Confusion

Entry Level
• This is where everyone starts
• This is where everyone ends
• This is where everyone always is
Promotion path: More confusion
Success metric: Maximum uncertainty
👤

Greg

Uninvited Intern
Reports to: Nobody invited him so nobody knows
Responsibilities: Unclear, probably none
Attendance: Still shows up to everything
Compensation: We don't pay him, he doesn't leave
Status: Eternal

Reporting Structure Notes

The reporting structure is:

  • Circular — everyone reports to everyone
  • Flat — there's no hierarchy
  • Vertical — there's definitely a hierarchy
  • Horizontal — everything is sideways
  • Non-Euclidean — the angles don't add up
  • All of the above simultaneously

Matrix Management

We use a matrix structure where:

  • Everyone has multiple managers (including themselves)
  • No one knows who approves what
  • All decisions are made collectively and individually
  • Consensus is reached through chaos
  • Action items emerge organically (or don't)

Dotted Line Relationships

All lines are dotted.
Some lines are invisible.
Some lines connect to points that don't exist.
This is accurate.

Departmental Breakdown

🌀

Department of Disorder

Head: Eris
Staff: Everyone
Budget: Yes
Function: Maintain chaos
Success rate: 100% (by being 0%)
🔄

Department of Redundancy Department

Head: Department Head
Function: Repeat functions
Reports: Duplicate reports
Meetings: About meetings about meetings
📋

Department of Unnecessary Bureaucracy

• Generates forms for everything
• Requires approval for approvals
• Meetings about meeting schedules
• Very important, completely useless
⚖️

Department of Contradictions

• Says yes and no to everything
• Approves and denies simultaneously
• Very productive at being unproductive
• Efficiently inefficient
😇

HR (Heavenly Resources)

Director: Karen (we think)
Complaints: Handles by creating more
Training: Harassment (teaches harassment? unclear)
Benefits: Enlightenment (maybe), Confusion (definitely)
💻

IT (Incomprehensible Technology)

• Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off?
Password requirements: impossible
Help desk responds: never/always
⚠️ Greg keeps trying to install things
⚖️

Legal (Department of Loopholes)

• Lawyers who argue both sides simultaneously
• Contracts that contradict themselves
• Terms of Service: unreadable, unenforceable
"It's legal because we said so"

Organizational Culture

Core Values

  1. Chaos (obviously)
  2. Confusion (required)
  3. Contradiction (essential)
  4. Coffee (survival)
  5. Greg tolerance (impossible but we try)

Mission Statement

"To disorder the ordered and order the disordered in such a way that both become indistinguishable, thereby achieving maximum chaos while maintaining minimum structure necessary to continue achieving chaos."

Vision Statement

"We have no vision. This is our vision."
Document ID: ORG-DIR-∞.5 Classification: OPEN SECRET Last Updated: Always/Never
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