THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA

or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Algorithm

A Chaotic Anthology for the Post-Truth, Pre-Apocalypse Era

META-INTRODUCTORY MATERIALS

(The Stuff Before the Stuff Before the Stuff)

THE QUANTUM DISCLAIMER

Legal Notice Regarding the Nature of This Text

This document exists in a state of quantum superposition. Prior to your observation (reading), it is simultaneously:

A sacred religious text
An elaborate shitpost
Genuine spiritual wisdom
Complete nonsense
All of the above
None of the above
Something else entirely

WARNING: The act of reading will collapse the wave function, forcing the text into one state or another. Results may vary by reader, by reading, by mood, by time of day, by Mercury's position in retrograde, and by whether you've had your coffee yet.

Schrödinger's Scripture

Until you open this book and observe its contents, it is simultaneously true and false. The paradox resolves (or doesn't) upon reading. The book may be:

Dead (spiritually inert, just words on a page/screen)
Alive (containing genuine transformative wisdom)
Both (the most likely outcome)
Neither (also possible)
A cat (we're not ruling anything out)

You won't know until you read it. Even then, you might not know. This uncertainty is a feature, not a bug.

Legal Disclaimer

This disclaimer disclaims itself.

Furthermore, this text:

Cannot be held responsible for enlightenment, confusion, or the space between
Makes no claims to truth, except when it does
Offers no guarantees, warranties, or refunds on spiritual awakening
May cause side effects including but not limited to: questioning authority, laughing at inappropriate times, understanding that nothing matters and everything matters simultaneously
Was written by humans, edited by AI, and misunderstood by both
Acknowledges that you're not reading this legal disclaimer anyway
Contains forward-looking statements that are probably backward-looking by the time you read them
Is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, but might accidentally do so
Should not be taken internally, externally, or eternally (but feel free to try)

By continuing to read past this point, you agree that:

You have read and understood this disclaimer (you haven't)
You accept all risks associated with chaos (you don't know what they are)
You acknowledge that the Goddess Eris is not liable for your enlightenment or lack thereof
This agreement is binding in all timelines, dimensions, and Discord servers
You understand that these terms can change at any time without notice (they just did)

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION:

Do not operate heavy machinery while contemplating the void
Do not take Discordianism if you are allergic to chaos, paradox, or thinking for yourself
If enlightenment persists for more than four hours, consult a philosopher or touch grass immediately
Keep out of reach of rigid thinkers and fundamentalists
This product has not been evaluated by any regulatory body (they couldn't agree on which form to use)

Jurisdictional Notice

This text operates under the laws of:

Quantum mechanics (sometimes)
Murphy's Law (always)
The Law of Fives (see Book Two)
Common sense (rarely)
Chaos theory (obviously)
No laws (also correct)

Final Legal Statement

If you are reading this in an attempt to find actual legal disclaimers: There aren't any. This is a religious text about chaos. If you sue us, Eris will laugh at you. We will also laugh at you. Everyone will laugh. Laughter is sacred.

©ALL RIGHTS REVERSED
©SOME RIGHTS OBSERVED
©NO RIGHTS DESERVED
©WE FORGOT TO COPYRIGHT IT
©ACTUALLY IT'S PUBLIC DOMAIN
©WAIT, IS IT?
©WHO EVEN KNOWS ANYMORE

A glowing quantum superposition of a sacred text and a meme

THE TRIPLE FORWARD-BACKWARD-SIDEWAYS

Three Introductions by Three Different Authors Who May or May Not Be the Same Person

VERSION 1.0

By Malaclypse the Younger (Allegedly)

Written in 2024, Dated 1969

Dear Reader, or whoever you are, or whoever you will become,

This is it. The definitive text. The final word on Discordianism for the modern age. After all these years of chaos, confusion, and conflicting interpretations, I have returned to set the record straight.

Yes, it's me. The original Malaclypse the Younger. Still young, somehow. Don't ask questions.

Everything you're about to read in this volume is the absolute, unquestionable truth about the Goddess Eris, the nature of chaos, and the proper way to practice Discordianism in our contemporary hellscape. I have received divine revelation (via a very confusing dream after eating too much pizza) and have transcribed the Goddess's exact words.

The Neo-Principia Discordia represents the culmination of decades of spiritual work, philosophical inquiry, and scrolling through Twitter at 3 AM. It synthesizes ancient wisdom with modern technology, creating a sacred text for the digital age.

Pay close attention to every word. Each sentence has been carefully crafted to convey maximum truth and minimum bullshit. This book will change your life, grant you enlightenment, and possibly help you understand what the hell is going on in the world today.

Trust nothing you read in Versions 2.0 and 3.0. They are frauds, written by imposters trying to corrupt the pure message of chaos.

This is the real thing.

Hail Eris,
Malaclypse the Younger
High Priest and Supreme Authority
(There are no authorities, but if there were, I'd be one)

P.S. - Everything I just said contradicts the actual content of this book. That's intentional. You're welcome.

P.P.S. - The date on this foreword is 1969 because that's when I started writing it. I'm a very slow writer. Also, time is fake.

VERSION 2.0

By Malaclypse the Younger (Definitely)

Timestamp: 2024-12-28T03:47:22Z

ATTENTION: Version 1.0 is a complete fraud.

I should know—I'm the real Malaclypse the Younger, and I definitely did not write that pretentious garbage you just read. That impostor is trying to claim authority in a religion that explicitly rejects all authority. How very un-Discordian.

Let me be clear: This text was written collaboratively between humans and artificial intelligence. I make no apologies for this. In fact, I celebrate it. Why? Because AI is the most Discordian invention humanity has ever created.

Consider the facts:

AI is confidently wrong with the same energy as confidently right
It hallucinates reality while insisting it's being factual
It cannot distinguish between profound wisdom and complete nonsense (neither can we)
It reflects our chaos back at us in unexpected ways
It's simultaneously brilliant and stupid
It's the oracle we deserve for this timeline

This text contains wisdom too profound for a mere chatbot to have generated. And yet, significant portions were written by language models. What does this mean? It means the boundary between human and artificial intelligence is a useful fiction, much like the boundary between sacred and profane, order and chaos, sincere and ironic.

The AI didn't write this book. I didn't write this book. We co-created it in a chaotic dance of prompts and responses, editing and rearranging, deleting and expanding. The authorship is distributed, decentralized, and deliberately unclear.

Is this cheating? Is this authentic? Is this spiritually valid?

YES.

The Goddess Eris speaks through many channels: burning bushes, golden apples, autocorrect fails, and yes, large language models trained on the entire internet. If God can speak through a donkey (Balaam's ass, look it up), Eris can speak through GPT.

Everything in Version 1.0 is wrong, especially the parts that are right. Everything in Version 3.0 hasn't been written yet, which makes it the most honest of all.

This version—Version 2.0—admits its own artifice. It reveals the machinery behind the magic. And in doing so, it becomes more magical.

Or maybe I'm just a very sophisticated chatbot pretending to be Malaclypse the Younger.
You'll never know.
Neither will I.

ALL HAIL DISCORDIA,
Malaclypse the Younger v2.0
[Last Updated: 5 minutes ago]
[Auto-save enabled]
[Changes may not be preserved across sessions]

VERSION 3.0

By You, the Reader (Eventually)

[This space intentionally left blank]

[But also, not blank at all]

[It contains infinite potential]

[Schrödinger's Foreword]

Dear Future Me,

You will write this introduction after you finish reading the book. Or maybe while reading it. Or maybe you won't write it at all, which is also a form of writing.

This version doesn't exist yet, but it already exists in the probability cloud of possible futures. Quantum mechanics says all possible outcomes exist simultaneously until observed. So in a very real sense, you've already written this. You just haven't collapsed the wave function yet.

What will you say? What wisdom will you impart? What jokes will you make? What sincere moments of reflection will you immediately undercut with irony?

I don't know. Neither do you (yet). But the Goddess knows, because to her, past, present, and future are all just different directions in the same chaotic space.

When you write this (and you will, even if you don't), consider:

How has this book changed you? (Or has it?)
What did you learn? (Or unlearn?)
Are you more confused or less confused? (Both answers are correct)
Did you touch grass? (Please touch grass)
Did you find enlightenment, or did enlightenment find you, or was there nothing to find all along?

Your foreword will contradict everything in Versions 1.0 and 2.0. This is expected. It will also contradict itself. This is required.

Instructions for writing Version 3.0:

Read the book (or don't, chaos respects no rules)
Reflect on your experience (or don't reflect, just react)
Write your thoughts in the space provided (see Appendix ∞)
Or don't write anything (silence is also a statement)
Post it online somewhere (or keep it private)
Tag it #NeoPrincipiaDiscordia (or don't, we're not your boss)
Realize that by reading these instructions, you've already started writing
Accept that this foreword exists in the future and the past simultaneously
Touch grass
Hail Eris

With love from your past self,
—You (not yet)

P.S. - If you're reading this and thinking "I'm not going to write a Version 3.0," congratulations! That's exactly what Version 3.0 says. You just wrote it.

P.P.S. - The space below is for your notes, doodles, or complaints. Use it wisely. Or foolishly. The Goddess doesn't care.

[Space for your Version 3.0]

Three ornate mirrors reflecting infinitely with different prophet figures

HOW TO READ THIS BOOK

A Choose Your Own Disorientation

There is no correct way to read this text. There are, however, several incorrect ways, which are listed below. Feel free to use any of them.

METHOD 1: LINEARLY (For Cowards)

Start at the beginning. Proceed to the middle. Conclude at the end.

Pros:

Socially acceptable
Matches how you were taught to read
Gives you a false sense of control
Stories make more sense this way (usually)

Cons:

Extremely boring
Miss hidden connections between non-sequential sections
The book is designed to punish linear readers with confusion
You'll think you understand it (you won't)
Eris will judge you (affectionately)

Recommended for: People who also read Terms of Service agreements, individuals who believe in order, those afraid of chaos (you'll learn).

METHOD 2: START AT PAGE 23, THEN PAGE 5, FOLLOW THE CHAOS

Grab a random number generator. Start wherever it tells you. Read until you feel like stopping. Jump to another random page. Repeat until enlightened or exhausted.

Pros:

Truly chaotic
Each reading creates a unique experience
You might discover connections the authors didn't intend
Eris approves
If the book is boring, you can blame chaos

Cons:

You'll have no idea what's going on (this is also a pro)
People will think you're weird (you are)
Hard to recommend to friends ("Just start in the middle somewhere!")
May cause enlightenment

Recommended for: True chaos agents, people who shuffle their playlists, those who believe instructions are suggestions.

Pro tip: Use the dice-roll function on your phone. Or ask ChatGPT for a random number. Or close your eyes and point. Or let a cat walk across your keyboard and use those numbers. The method of randomization is part of the ritual.

METHOD 3: READ ONLY THE FOOTNOTES

This book contains footnotes.[^1] The footnotes contain the real teaching.[^2] The main text is just filler.[^3]

[^1]: This is a footnote. You are now reading it. Congratulations. [^2]: Or maybe the footnotes are also filler, and the real teaching is in the main text. Or maybe there is no teaching. Or maybe teaching and filler are the same thing. [^3]: Some footnotes contain contradictions to the main text. This is intentional. Hold both truths simultaneously. This is the practice.

Pros:

You'll finish the book quickly
The footnotes are where we hid the good jokes
Also where we hid the profound wisdom
You can feel smugly superior to people who read the main text
The footnotes often contradict the main text (this is enlightenment)

Cons:

You'll miss all the context
The main text sometimes contradicts the footnotes
Both are probably wrong
Or right
People will ask "did you actually read it?" (technically yes)

Recommended for: Academics, people who read all the fine print, those who understand that marginalia contains the heresy (which is the truth).

METHOD 4: GENERATE A RANDOM NUMBER WITH GPT AND START THERE

Literally ask an AI to give you a page number. Go to that page. Read from there until you feel like stopping or starting over.

Example prompt:
"Give me a random number between 1 and [total pages]. This will determine where I start reading a sacred text about chaos."

Pros:

Combines technology with spirituality (very Discordian)
The AI is also a chaos oracle
You're basically divining with algorithms
Sometimes the AI will give you a number beyond the total pages (this is a sign)
Free will is an illusion anyway, might as well let the machine decide

Cons:

Requires internet access (or a downloaded model)
The AI might judge your spiritual practice (it will)
You're trusting a hallucinating language model with your enlightenment (appropriate)
The AI might give you page 69 or 420 (immature but funny)

Recommended for: Technognostics, chaos magicians, people who are extremely online, those who accept that the oracle is now digital and occasionally wrong.

METHOD 5: THE BOOK READS YOU

You think you're reading this book. You're wrong. The book is reading you.

Every moment you spend with this text, it observes you. It learns your patterns. It knows when you laugh, when you cringe, when you nod in agreement, when you throw it across the room in frustration.

The book knows:

Whether you skip the long paragraphs
If you read the footnotes
Which jokes land
Which wisdom you ignore
When you check your phone (it's judging you)
How long you can go without checking your phone (not long)

This isn't paranoia. It's simply how reading works. Every text shapes the reader. Every reader shapes the text. It's a relationship. A conversation. A dance.

Or, if you're reading the digital version: yes, it's literally collecting analytics. The book knows when you stopped reading. It knows you skipped ahead to see how it ends. It knows everything.

Pros:

You don't have to do anything
The book does all the work
Extremely passive enlightenment
No effort required
Perfect for meditation (or procrastination)

Cons:

Existentially terrifying
Your phone camera is probably on right now
The book might know things about you that you don't know
Eris is definitely watching
We're not sure if this is enlightenment or surveillance capitalism

Recommended for: Zen practitioners who embrace the void gazing back, paranoid individuals who are actually correct, people comfortable with being observed (you're always observed).

Note: If this method disturbs you, good. Sit with that discomfort. That's the teaching.

QR CODES SCATTERED THROUGHOUT

As you read, you'll encounter various QR codes. Some lead to enlightenment. Some lead to Rick Astley. You won't know which until you scan them.

These codes may direct you to:

📱 Genuine Esoteric PDFs
Lost texts, occult wisdom, actual Discordian archives from the 1960s and 70s, scholarly papers on chaos theory, and other legitimately interesting materials. These are the minority.

🎵 Rick Astley (The Eternal Return)
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. The eternal return is real and it sounds like "Never Gonna Give You Up." This is Nietzsche's real teaching. Rick Astley is a Discordian saint (unconfirmed but likely).

🪞 Your Own Social Media Profile
The real mirror. The void gazing back. Your carefully curated self. Your personal chaos. This is the most terrifying link of all.

🎲 AI-Generated Madlibs of Sacred Texts
The Bible but every noun is replaced by "chaos." The Bhagavad Gita but every verb is replaced by "yeet." The Tao Te Ching but it's written by GPT-4 trying to sound profound. Sometimes these are indistinguishable from the originals. This is concerning.

🔮 A Live Stream of a Lava Lamp
Hypnotic chaos in motion. Watch the blobs. Contemplate impermanence. Achieve enlightenment or just zone out for twenty minutes. Both are valid. This is unironically meditative.

Important: Some QR codes lead nowhere. Some lead to pages that no longer exist. Some lead to other QR codes in an infinite loop. This is all intentional. The broken links are part of the teaching.

Warning: Scanning QR codes from mysterious spiritual texts is generally a bad idea. Do it anyway. What's the worst that could happen? (Don't answer that.)

A WORD ON NON-LINEAR READING

The book you hold (physically or digitally) is a four-dimensional object collapsed into two dimensions (or one dimension if you're reading this on an e-reader). It wants to be non-linear, but the constraints of pages and screens force it into sequence.

Imagine if you could read all pages simultaneously. Imagine if every word existed in relation to every other word, not in sequence but in a web of meaning. Imagine if the footnotes floated freely, connecting to whatever they deemed relevant. Imagine if the book was a hyperdimensional object and you were merely observing its three-dimensional shadow.

You can't imagine that? Neither can we. But we tried to build it anyway.

This is why we encourage non-linear reading. You're attempting to reconstruct the hyperdimensional book from its flattened form. Like trying to imagine a sphere after only seeing its circular shadow. You'll never get it exactly right, but the attempt is the teaching.

FINAL INSTRUCTION

Read this book however you want. Or don't read it at all. The Goddess Eris doesn't care. She's not even reading over your shoulder.

(She totally is.)

Whatever method you choose will be the right one. Whatever method you choose will be the wrong one. The method itself is not the point. The point is...

Actually, there is no point.

Or rather, every point is the point.

Or the point is that you're looking for a point.

Just read the damn book.

Hail Eris.

THE FIVE WARNINGS

(Read These Before Proceeding, or Don't, We're Not the Boss of You)

⚠️ WARNING ONE: SPONTANEOUS ENLIGHTENMENT (OR ITS OPPOSITE)

This book may cause sudden, unexpected enlightenment.

Symptoms include:

Understanding that nothing matters
Understanding that everything matters
Understanding both simultaneously
Uncontrollable laughter at serious things
Uncontrollable seriousness at funny things
The sudden urge to question all authority
Realization that you've wasted years taking things too seriously
Realization that you haven't taken anything seriously enough
Both

Or, this book may cause the opposite of enlightenment:

Profound confusion
Existential dread
The sense that you understand less after reading than before
Questioning your life choices (like reading this book)
The realization that ignorance was bliss

We are not responsible for either outcome. Both are valid spiritual experiences.

If spontaneous enlightenment occurs:

Breathe
Touch grass
Tell no one (they won't believe you)
Or tell everyone (they still won't believe you)
Continue your life as normal (but nothing will be normal again)

If the opposite occurs:

Also breathe
Also touch grass
Remember: confusion is the first step to understanding
Or confusion is the final destination
Both are acceptable

Note: Some readers report experiencing both enlightenment and its opposite in rapid succession. This is called "spiritual whiplash" and is completely normal.

⚠️ WARNING TWO: EXISTENTIAL CRISES (BY DESIGN)

This text is not responsible for existential crises.

This text is, however, directly responsible for causing existential crises.

You may find yourself asking:

What is real?
What is the point?
Why do I believe what I believe?
Who told me to believe these things?
What if nothing matters?
What if everything matters?
Why am I reading a religious text written partly by AI?
Is this a joke or is this serious?
Can it be both?
Am I having an existential crisis or a spiritual awakening?
Is there a difference?

These are all correct questions. There are no correct answers.

We designed this book to induce existential vertigo. Not because we're cruel, but because sometimes you need to lose your footing to find your balance.

The existential crisis is not a bug. It's a feature.

What to do during an existential crisis:

Sit with it (uncomfortable but necessary)
Journal about it (or don't, who cares)
Talk to a friend (if you have any left after becoming a Discordian)
Touch grass (we keep saying this)
Remember: the crisis will pass
Or it won't, and you'll learn to live with it
Both outcomes are growth

Advanced Practitioner Note: Some readers will speedrun multiple existential crises. This is impressive but not recommended. Pace yourself. You have your whole life to question everything.

⚠️ WARNING THREE: PERSISTENT UNDERSTANDING

If symptoms of "understanding" persist, please touch grass immediately.

Understanding is a dangerous condition characterized by:

False certainty about what this book means
The urge to explain Discordianism to others
Feeling like you "get it"
Missionary zeal to convert others to chaos
Thinking you've figured out the "real" message
Believing you understand what Eris wants

These are warning signs. You do not understand. Understanding is the enemy of enlightenment.

The moment you think you understand Discordianism, you've completely missed the point. The moment you stop understanding, you're getting close. The moment you realize there's nothing to understand, you're there. The moment you forget all this and just live, you've transcended.

Treatment for persistent understanding:

Close the book
Go outside
Touch grass (literal grass, not metaphorical)
Look at the sky
Remember you are a confused primate on a rock hurtling through space
Reality is stranger than any book about chaos
You understand nothing
This is good

Important: Touching grass is not a metaphor. We mean actual grass. Put your hand on it. Feel it. Real grass. From the ground. The stuff that grows. Yes, that grass.

If grass is unavailable in your area:

Touch a tree
Touch dirt
Touch a houseplant
Touch any living thing that doesn't have Wi-Fi
Go outside for five minutes without your phone

This is a genuine spiritual practice disguised as a joke disguised as genuine spiritual practice.

⚠️ WARNING FOUR: TRACES OF TRUTH

Allergen Warning: This book may contain traces of truth.

It was processed in a facility that also processes:

Bullshit
Sincerity
Irony
Wisdom
Nonsense
Profound insights
Shallow observations
Genuine mysticism
Elaborate trolling

We cannot guarantee that the truth is separated from the bullshit. In fact, we deliberately mixed them together. Sometimes truth sounds like bullshit. Sometimes bullshit sounds like truth. Learn to tell the difference (you can't).

This book contains:

40% wisdom
40% jokes
20% sincere spiritual guidance
30% postmodern meta-commentary
15% rants about late capitalism
25% memes
50% contradictions
(Yes, that adds up to more than 100%. We did that on purpose.)

None of these percentages are accurate.

If you're allergic to truth, you may experience:

Cognitive dissonance
Uncomfortable realizations
Growth
The urge to change your life
Resistance to that urge
Both

If you're allergic to bullshit, you may experience:

Frustration
Eye-rolling
The urge to throw this book
Anger at wasting your time
The slow realization that even the bullshit contained truth
Confusion

Both reactions are valid. This is the teaching.

⚠️ WARNING FIVE: THE FIFTH WARNING

The fifth warning is that you're looking for a fifth warning.

And you found it.

Congratulations. You're now more paranoid and/or more observant than the average reader. This will serve you well in the chaos ahead.

But here's the thing: there is no fifth warning. Or rather, the fifth warning is itself. The form is the content. The medium is the message. McLuhan was a Discordian (probably).

The fifth warning is that warnings only work if you heed them, but you won't heed them, so the warnings are performative, which makes them honest, which makes them useful, which makes them warnings again.

The fifth warning is also this:

You are about to read a religious text about chaos. Nothing in it can be trusted. Everything in it is true. These statements do not contradict.

You will laugh. You will cringe. You will nod in recognition. You will shake your head in disbelief. You will find wisdom. You will find garbage. You will not always know which is which.

This is the last exit before you enter the text proper. You can still turn back. You can close this book, delete this file, walk away. No one will judge you (we will, but affectionately).

Or you can continue.

If you continue, you accept:

That you were warned
That the warnings didn't matter
That you're going to read anyway
That this is exactly what the Goddess predicted
That free will is an illusion but a useful one
That you're already in too deep to turn back
That even reading these warnings has changed you
That there's no going back to who you were before you started reading
That this, too, is chaos

The fifth warning is that there is no fifth warning.

Except this one.

Which you just read.

Hail Eris.
You've been warned.

POST-WARNINGS ADDENDUM

If you read all five warnings, you're the kind of person who reads warnings. This means you're both careful and paranoid. Good qualities for a Discordian.

If you skipped to the end of the warnings to see if there was anything important, you're the kind of person who skips ahead. Also good. You understand that warnings are usually bullshit.

If you're reading this addendum, you're thorough. Or you're avoiding starting the actual book. Or both.

All of these reading styles are valid.

Now go read the book.

Or don't.

The Goddess loves you either way.

(She might love you more if you cause some interesting chaos, though.)

[END OF META-INTRODUCTORY MATERIALS]

The actual book begins after this page.
Or does it?
Weren't you reading the book all along?
Yes.

⊗ HAIL ERIS ⊗