Discordianism Decompiled · Book Nine · Chapter 7 of 8
Warranty: Void Where Prohibited
WARRANTY: VOID WHERE PROHIBITED
Rev. ∞.0
Eff. Date: Always
BY CONTINUING TO PRACTICE DISCORDIANISM (“the Practice”), YOU (“the Practitioner,” “the Pope,” “You,” “That Person”) agree to the terms set forth herein by ERIS ENTERPRISES, LLC (“the Goddess,” “She,” “Chaos Itself”). Failure to agree does not exempt you from these terms, as you agreed by reading this sentence. Attempting to un-read this sentence constitutes additional agreement.
Your spiritual practice warranty shall be deemed null, void, and cosmically unenforceable under any of the following conditions:
Optimization is the enemy of chaos. The moment you (“the Practitioner”) attempt to make your practice more efficient, more productive, or more measurable, you have lost the thread. Chaos cannot be optimized. Disorder cannot be streamlined. The attempt to improve the Practice destroys the Practice.
Your warranty is void. Start over.
“There are no rules!” you shout, while establishing rules about having no rules. “Question everything!” you demand, while refusing to question your own questioning. “Nothing is sacred!” you declare, while treating anti-sacredness as sacred.
You have become the thing you were mocking. Your warranty is void.
Discordianism is not a license to be cruel. Chaos is not permission to cause harm. Disruption is not justification for destruction. If you have hurt people in the name of chaos, you have voided your warranty and possibly your humanity.
Stop. Apologize. Do better.
When is the last time you found something funny about all this? When is the last time you laughed at yourself? When is the last time you experienced joy in the Practice?
If the answer is “I can't remember,” you have voided your warranty. Step away. Come back when you can laugh again.
Discordianism is free. Chaos is free. You cannot charge for disorder. If you have tried to monetize your chaos, to sell your disorder, to profit from your Practice—you have voided your warranty.
[Editor's Note: Writing a book about it and selling the book is different. The book is labor. The chaos is free.]
The Practitioner shall be deemed in breach of this agreement if any of the following statements have been uttered, typed, thought, or subposted:
You have created barriers where there should be openness. You have established hierarchy where there should be anarchy. You have gatekept the gateless. Your warranty is void.
You started telling people what to do. How to practice. What is correct. What is incorrect. You became the Pope and forgot that everyone is Pope. You became the teacher and forgot that chaos teaches itself. You became the authority and forgot that authority is what we are questioning.
Your warranty is void. Abdicate immediately.
ERIS (“the Goddess”) reserves the right to chaos your Practice at any time, for any reason, without warning, notice, explanation, or apology. “Chaosing” shall include but not be limited to any or all of the following:
No refunds on enlightenment. All sales final. Chaos provided as-is, with no warranty, express or implied, including but not limited to the implied warranties of meaningfulness, spiritual progress, or fitness for a particular existential purpose.
Don't panic. This is fixable. In the event that the Practitioner's warranty has been voided per Section 1, the following remediation steps shall apply:
The cycle of voiding and renewal is the Practice. The warranty is always voiding. You are always starting over.
This is fine. This is how it works.
Welcome to chaos.
I, the undersigned, acknowledge that I have read, understood, and will inevitably violate these terms.
I accept that my warranty will be voided repeatedly and that this is, in fact, the point.
I understand that by checking these boxes I have agreed to nothing, and that nothing is what was being offered.
This warranty is governed by the laws of Limbo, which do not exist, under the jurisdiction of the Court of Eris, which has never convened. Any disputes shall be resolved by golden apple toss, coin flip, or interpretive dance. Void where prohibited. Void where permitted. Void. © ∞ Eris Enterprises, LLC. All Rites Reversed. Fnord.