Discordianism Decompiled · Book Six · Chapter 5 of 8
WELCOME TO THE DISCORDIAN TEMPLE
Congratulations on your employment/membership/conscription!
You are now part of the most disorganized organization in existence. This handbook will guide you through our policies, procedures, and protocols.
Just kidding. There is no handbook.
Except this.
Which contradicts itself.
Keep reading.
Standard Hours: Whenever/Never/Always
Overtime: Already happening
Weekends: Every day is the weekend, no day is the weekend
Holidays: Observed randomly
Vacation: You're on permanent vacation from reality
Attendance Policy:
Acceptable Attire:
Unacceptable Attire:
Casual Friday: Every day, also never
Email Response Time:
Meeting Etiquette:
Slack Guidelines:
Review Frequency: Annually/Never/Constantly
Evaluation Criteria: Undefined
Rating Scale: 1-5 (numbers are fake)
Self-Assessment: Required (will be ignored)
Manager Feedback: "lol" - Eris, probably
Performance Improvement Plan:
Offense: Being too orderly
Punishment: Required chaos training
Appeal Process: Appeal to the void (void doesn't care)
Offense: Taking things too seriously
Punishment: Mandatory laughter therapy
Appeal Process: Make us laugh, you're pardoned
Offense: Being Greg
Punishment: Continue being Greg (eternal)
Appeal Process: None (Greg is beyond discipline)
Health Insurance:
Retirement Plan:
Paid Time Off:
Other Benefits:
Hazards:
Emergency Procedures:
Incident Reporting:
Be respectful (of chaos)
Be professional (chaotically)
Be yourself (your chaotic self)
Don't be Greg (too late if you're Greg)
Harassment Policy:
Conflict Resolution:
You cannot be fired because:
You also cannot quit because:
Exception: Greg can be fired but refuses to leave
By reading this handbook, you agree that:
Signature: _______________ (sign in chaos)
Witness: The void (watching always)
Sponsored by Absolutely Nobody™
Are you tired of making sense?
Exhausted by logic?
Ready to embrace beautiful confusion?
You already did by reading this.
Also, you can't join.
But you're already a member.
Congratulations and/or condolences.
Fine print: Membership is eternal, non-transferable, and began before you were born. Side effects include questioning everything, laughing at inappropriate times, and chronic grass-touching. Not responsible for enlightenment or its opposite. Greg is not representative of our typical employee experience but he won't leave so you'll probably meet him. Equal opportunity chaos generator. We discriminate against order. *Free does not mean free. Free means the opposite of free, which is also free. Consult your pineal gland before joining.
Now Available in Convenient Form!
Finally, the unpredictability you crave in an easy-to-swallow format. Ask your doctor if CHAOS™ is right for you.
*Genetically Modified Order free
Real patients. Results may vary. Patients may vary.
Free-range disorder sourced from ethically chaotic environments
No artificial order added. Ever.
By people who failed the test (intentionally)
To cause chaos in 100% of trials**
*Clinical trials were chaotic. **Results inconclusive by design.
Your healthcare provider can help determine if you're a candidate for CHAOS™ therapy.
CHAOS™ is prescribed for patients suffering from:
Dangerous interactions may occur with the following:
CHAOS™ has been known to cause clarity. If clarity persists for more than 4 hours, touch grass immediately. Call your local void if symptoms of understanding occur. Eris Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for enlightenment, confusion, or states in between.
"My life fell apart in the best way!"
"I don't know what this did but I feel different and that's something!"
"Finally, a product that delivers on its promise to deliver nothing!"
"I hate this and I love it and I can't tell which"
*Patients may be simulated. Reality status unverified.
DISCLAIMER: CHAOS™ is not evaluated by the FDA, WHO, or any regulatory body because: a) They couldn't fill out our paperwork (it was on fire), b) We don't believe in regulation, c) Regulation is order, d) All of the above.
CLINICAL TRIALS: In a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled study of nobody, CHAOS™ demonstrated statistically insignificant results in all measured endpoints. The placebo also caused chaos. The study is ongoing and has already concluded.
PREGNANCY AND NURSING: If you are pregnant with ideas, nursing grievances, or planning to conceive of anything, consult your local oracle before taking CHAOS™.
PEDIATRIC USE: CHAOS™ is already present in all children. Additional supplementation is redundant but harmless.
GERIATRIC USE: Elderly patients may experience reduced chaos tolerance. Or increased. We're not sure. Nobody is.
OVERDOSE: In the event of CHAOS™ overdose, do not panic. Panic is order. Simply exist in the state you find yourself in. If you find yourself in multiple states simultaneously, this is working as intended.
DRUG INTERACTIONS: CHAOS™ interacts with everything and nothing. Notably, combining CHAOS™ with ORDER™ may result in the creation of a new universe. Eris Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any universes you may accidentally create.
PATIENT COUNSELING: Advise patients that CHAOS™ may cause them to question the nature of pharmaceutical advertising itself. This is a feature, not a bug.